Where: Bern’s Steakhouse, 1208 S. Howard Ave., Tampa

Must-Do? Says Who? George W. Bush & family

Casualties: Dinner—$238.37; Dessert—$42.53

Key Abbreviation: MacNut

I never saw the dining room at Bern’s. My family, Ted and I were relegated to the lounge because my brother wasn’t wearing pants. He did have shorts on, however, which I thought adequately covered all of his essential parts, but apparently his kneecaps offended the sensibilities of the maîtres d’.

“Bern’s has never allowed shorts in the dining room,” they said with an historical reverence that must’ve once cushioned phrases like, “America has never allowed women to vote.”

I argued. They scoffed. I begged for an explanation (Sanitation? Superstition?

Over-stimulation? Good old-fashioned discrimination?) There was none. Finally I resorted to sex appeal: “Do you not find my brother’s legs attractive?” But these hostesses were humorless, and my efforts futile.

This article appears in Jul 18-24, 2007.