New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered a slightly bombastic speech Tuesday night at the RNC — to raucous applause. Formatted like a show trial that might be held according to the dictates of a nightmarish military dictatorship, Christie's speech was less an endorsement of Donald Trump than a raving diatribe against Hillary Clinton.
After describing Donald Trump — his "friend for the last 14 years" — as "a caring, genuine and decent person," Christie informed the audience that he would be using his experience as a prosecutor to prosecute the case against Hillary Clinton.
"Tonight, as a former federal prosecutor, I welcome the opportunity to hold her accountable for her performance and her character," he said. "We must present those facts to you, a jury of her peers, both in this hall and in living rooms around our nation."
This was necessary, he asserted, since the Justice Department had failed to indict Clinton for her use of a private email server while serving as Obama's secretary of state.
Some of Christie's points were valid (albeit undermined by his unpalatable delivery); most were not. Of course, this didn't stop the cowboy-hatted mob on the floor from whooping and hollering every time he paused to take a breath.
"LOCK HER UP, LOCK HER UP," they chanted in unison, even before Christie began presenting his case.
"Alright, alright, we're getting there," he said with a grin.
His first charge against the defendant was certainly his strongest, that being Clinton's prominent role in NATO's military intervention in the Libyan civil war, which resulted in the death of Muammar Gaddafi and the dissolution of Libyan statehood.
"Libya today, after Hillary Clinton's grand strategy?" he asked rhetorically. "Their economy is in ruins, there's death and violence in the streets and ISIS is now dominating that country."
Since Christie was the prosecutor of this fantasy case, and his audience the jury, the former asked the latter to deliver a verdict.
"Hillary Clinton, as a failure for ruining Libya and creating a nest for terrorist activity by ISIS, answer me now: is she guilty or not guilty?"
"GUILTY," the mob roared.
Next up was Nigeria, and here's where Christie's prosecution began to stretch. He brought up Boko Haram — the jihadist group in Nigeria that makes al-Qaeda look moderate — and the fact that, two years ago, they kidnapped several hundred young girls, most of whom still have not been found.
Apparently Hillary Clinton bears responsibility for this, because she "amazingly fought for two years to keep [Boko Haram] off the terrorist watch list" — the implication being that if the U.S. had been "watching" the terrorist group, they wouldn't have been so naughty.
A flimsy charge, to say the least. But good enough, it seemed, for the jury.
"Hillary Clinton, as an apologist for an al-Qaeda affiliate in Nigeria resulting in the capture of innocent young women: guilty or not guilty?" Christie asked.
"GUILTY."
Believe it or not (but why wouldn't you), things only became less reasonable from there. Hillary Clinton, according to the jury, is also guilty of propping up Syria's Bashar al-Assad, whose government forces have killed many thousands of civilians. This one is fascinating, because it proves that a good chunk of Trump supporters have no use for facts. Hillary Clinton wants to overthrow Assad in Syria, not keep him in power. She's a veritable hawk on that point. Google "Hillary Clinton Assad" — it's all there.
That Christie actually offered the mob a counterfactual narrative on Syria shows how confident he is that the majority of Republicans are allergic to the truth and won't bother to verify what they're told. Now we can expect to hear from Trump supporters about how Hillary Clinton has Bashar al-Assad over for dinner twice a week. Very good, Chris.
A right-wing indictment of Hillary Clinton wouldn't be complete without reference to her dealings with Iran, China and Russia (guilty, guilty and guilty); beyond that, Christie managed to level a bizarre, Cuba/Castro-related charge against the Democratic nominee.
"Hillary Clinton as a coddler of the brutal Castro brothers and betrayer of the family of fallen Trooper Werner Foerster [whose alleged assailant now lives in Cuba]: guilty or not guilty?" Christie asked.
She was quite naturally found guilty of this offense as well, even though nobody in the arena had any clue what the fuck Christie was talking about.
"LOCK HER UP, LOCK HER UP," they chanted again.
Prosecutor Christie then charged Hillary Clinton with engineering Pearl Harbor, assassinating JFK, and personally flying both planes into the Twin Towers on 9/11. She was subsequently found guilty on each count. (I jest, of course, though at this point one could certainly be excused for believing me.)
After the fantasy trial was finished, and Hillary guillotined, Christie shifted gears.
"I want to talk to all of you at home, in your living rooms. You are the ones who will decide this election."
A respectful silence. Anticipation.
"We have an alternative. We have a man who is unafraid. We have a man who wants to lead us. We have a man who understands the frustrations and the aspirations of our fellow citizens. We have a man who judges people based on their performance regardless of your gender, your race, your ethnic or religious background."
The mob begins to rumble.
"We do not need to settle for less in this election. We cannot reward incompetence and deceit. We need to demand more than what Hillary Clinton offers for America. Because we know exactly what four years of Hillary Clinton will bring: all the failures of the Obama years, but with less charm and more lies."
Christie wears a self-satisfied grin when he delivers that quip.
The mob applauds, whistles, cheers.
"It is our obligation to stop Hillary Clinton now, and never let her get within 10 miles of the White House again!"
An eruption of applause, the mob sufficiently fired up, unified by the tribal instinct, anxious for another belligerent wallop of a speech.
Then Tiffany Trump came on, and the energy was snuffed out like a candle.
This article appears in Jul 21-28, 2016.