My next patient is Kelley. She has size 7.5 shoes, lives in Tampa, and enjoys Frigidaire! She sounds like a lovely person, but I fear may have included a bit too much information for you inter-hooligans. I will happily censor it to protect the innocent.
Dear Doctor Why,
What is so WRONG with being nice in a relationship?
My name is Kelley -Lastname- (I'm the girl on the right [she sent in a photo!]). I live on –A Street– in Tampa, FL. My question to YOU Doctor Why is: The guys I date tell me I'm "too nice" and our relationships never progress beyond the "we're only dating" status. So what if I'm nice! I'm a nice person damn it!
Please help,
Kelley
Oh Kelley,
I can tell by your email and willingness to share yourself with a complete stranger that you are trusting and come off as very personable and nice yourself.
Let me start off by saying, even though it may not seem like it. – You're better off – Why you ask? Well it goes like this. If these foolish monkey-men are not wise enough to want your company and tell you it is because, "you're too nice", there may be several reasons for this; which I am going to go into, but ultimately have chosen not to then — forget about them. Why pull your hair out or stress over someone who has decided to move along? I know that can be insanely frustrating and leave with you questions of, "What did I do wrong??". Consider this possibility: You did nothing wrong. Of course, being as I don't know you this is all subjective and you may be an axe wielding maniac who steals underwear and makes it into toy puppies — In which case, "you're too nice" is just another way of saying, "Please. Don't kill me.". 😀
When it comes down to it, whatever the reason; it wasn't working. There are always possibilities though:
1) It was never intended to work. I have heard rumors of these men that play games, and are only after that one thing. Twinkies, I think it is. Yes. They want your twinkies.
2) They may be innocent, but unaware. Communication is key. I'm sure you've heard that before but it really is!! Ask questions! You have to say what it is you want as well. Men like to know, "what's up". It sets boundaries. It sets expectations. It makes us go, "Ohhhhhhh".
3) Sadly, also I hate to see anyone feel bad, but, "you're too nice" may be their attempt at politely saying, "I like you but…….." The but could range anywhere from: Things went to fast/things went to slow/after consideration and our time together, I don't like you like "that" anymore/ *singing* You've lost that loving feeling, whoa-oh-oh that loving feeling, all the way to – Once you told me about your affinity for large medieval weaponry, I got scared. ;D
4) Insert anything else here _________ The possibilities are endless.
Kelley, I do not know you other than from your email, but if everything is true and you're not a crazy person (or even if you are, why should I judge?), then my best advice is probably the most simple. Continue being nice. Be yourself. If they aren't diggin' it. Move along. If you feel you're being taken advantage of – play harder to get. I think you know what I mean. *wink wink* A good relationship will just flow. It will not have to be beaten into submission (unless you're into that sort of thing) and should be effortless.
Keep on dating, stick it out. If you are true to yourself, who you are, and what you want – you may not stop hearing, "you are too nice." but eventually, you will hear, "Wow you are SO nice, how freaking lucky am I?"
So, what is wrong with being nice in a relationship? Absolutely nothing.
-Doctor Why
This article appears in May 20-26, 2009.