My ideal vacation would be spent imbibing internationally: guzzling wine, beer and spirits in different corners of the globe, traveling in a well-stocked private jet, staying at four-star hotels, sleeping with new, sexy, exotic women each night (while I'm dreaming might as well go big, right?).
But that's not an option unless you're Cristiano Ronaldo, Mick Jagger or, maybe, James Bond — and then you have to worry about catching bad guys in between swilling vodka martinis and romancing femme fatales.
A facsimile of the globe-tippling experience (minus the random sex with beautiful, anonymous strangers) can be enjoyed at EPCOT, but trust me, the Disney police will throw your ass out for being visibly shit-faced faster than you can say "Zhim-iny fuggin' Cricket."
So, in keeping with the theme of this week's home issue, your humble bar correspondent has provided guidelines for a killer house party with global flair. It's a simple concept and will cost considerably less than a trans-Atlantic flight or a visit to the Mouse House. Just equip each room with alcohol, decorations and music specific to the country of your choice. Here are some suggestions:
Front porch: Mexico
Kick things off outside with a trip South of the Border. Put out a cooler of Negra Modelo, the greatest Mexican beer ever brewed, and some Coronas and lime wedges for those poor fools with deficient palates. A pitcher or three of margaritas is mandatory as well. And don't forget the chips and salsa. And the boom box blaring Los Lobos' Live at the Fillmore. Feeling froggy? Hang a piñata filled with adult goodies.
Master bedroom: France
This is where things start getting freaky. Dim the lights and hang a bunch of dark red curtains, — y'know, go for the bordello look. Instead of serving champagne or Bordeaux, provide a bottle of Chartreuse. I discovered this libation in New Orleans, and it's a doozy, probably the closest thing to a legal drug, if you know what I mean. Like one of my favorite beers, Chimay, Chartreuse was concocted by monks, way back in 1605. It's an 80-proof green liqueur made with distilled alcohol and 130 herbs, one of which I'm pretty sure is a hallucinogenic.
See, you take a shot of Chartreuse and it goes down like a warm, spiked gulp of Scope; you feel it traverse your throat, your esophagus and finally settle in your belly. By this point, your head feels disconnected from the rest of your body, and you'll probably start giggling and/or hitting on the closest person you find attractive. Yeah, it's an excellent beverage for house parties. To amp up the camp factor, serve French fries. After a couple rounds of Chartreuse, your guests will find this extremely humorous. Music? Any Serge Gainsbourg compilation that includes the simmering, stoned-to-the-bone-classic "Intoxicated Man."
Backyard: United States
Globetrotting is great, but let's not forget all the beautiful beverages right here in the good old U.S.A. This will be the place where everyone sobers up a bit with a cooler of domestic beers and a grill covered with hotdogs and hamburgers. What kind of brew? Mix it up. Sierra Nevada, Sam Adams, Miller High Life, Budweiser, PBR, some Pipers Pale Ale from Dunedin Brewery. Music? Chuck Berry. He's the quintessential American rocker. If someone voices disdain for Chuck Berry, throw his or her ass out of your house. Decorations? Hang a big old Betsy Ross original, you commie.
Living room: Ireland
Let's make The Emerald Isle, which regular Bar Tab readers already know is my personal fave for across-the-pond libations, the finale. Rather than transform your living room into a traditional public house fitted with James Joyce novels and busts of George Bernard Shaw, festoon the walls with those cheap paper shamrocks you see everywhere around St. Paddy's Day. Put the Irish gangster film The General on mute, and throw some Pogues on the stereo. Cover the coffee table with a bottle each of Jameson, Tullamore Dew, Bushmills and Bailey's. Put a pony keg of Guinness on ice and leave out shot and pint glasses. Encourage guests to do a minimum of one Irish Car Bomb (look it up) each, a three-part zinger of a beverage that I've raved about in the past. For a last-stop meal, leave out a crockpot of Irish stew.
This article appears in Jul 30 – Aug 5, 2008.