Hillsborough County Administrator Pat Bean's "State of the County" message last week was rife with hokum, complete with a Tampa Bay Bucs-themed video in which Coach Bean talked about the elements of a successful team.
More embarrassing were the blue-and-white pompoms that two dozen or so top county bosses shook in support of their "coach's" message.
Now, I'm not going to dump on the job that county workers are doing. If you live in Hillsborough, I'll let you decide that for yourself. There are some hard-working folks out there in county government, who no doubt are making this a better place to live. Bean wants to have the best county government in the nation; in her speech, she cited statistic after statistic about her administration's performance toward that goal.
So the State of the County may be well and good. But what about the State of the County Commission? After all, these are the people we elect, not faceless bureaucrats.
Before returning to the newspaper business from politics in 2004, I wrote a lot of rah-rah speeches. Got pretty good at it. So, as a public service, pro bono, here is my version of the 2006 "State of the County Commission" message. Feel free to use any of it you want, commissioners:
Welcome to the 2006 State of the County Commission speech. I'm Chairman Jim Norman, and I'm proud to tell you that the state of the county commission is strong! (wild applause)
For the past year, under the guise of our Republican mantra of less government and more personal freedom, your county commission has worked hard. We've created ill will with other local governments; insulted city and school district leaders; shied away from pressing concerns like growth, transportation and education; fought to cripple mass transit; interfered with county employees; forced out lawyers who wrote legal opinions we didn't like; violated the charter by calling a building official at home to ask him to block a new business opening "as a favor"; invited costly lawsuits as the result of these meddling actions; participated in secretive e-mail campaigns; and allowed the county administrator to dabble in local political issues like Ruskin becoming a city and the movement to create a county mayor. (applause)
Not to mention the way we drew national attention to Hillsborough County by telling those gay people who live here just what we thought about their so-called lifestyle!! (uproarious applause)
Each commissioner has contributed in his or her own way to this outstanding record of avoidance, pomposity and pandering to special interests. I myself flogged my fiscally conservative dream of spending $40 million in taxes on an athletic complex. We've got plenty of money in Hillsborough County and nothing better to do with it! (applause)
But I've not been alone in being a good Republican commissioner. Mark Sharpe had his first full year in office, and some weak-kneed liberals in both parties had high hopes for him when he talked about transforming the local economy and reworking the way we handle growth. We forgive him for his work to save the indigent health care program when we wanted to kill it. But in the end, he's come around. Commissioner Sharpe joined the majority on this board in its social conservative votes against library displays for gay authors and attended a rally against a bikini bar in Valrico. Welcome to the gang, Commissioner Sharpe. (applause while his colleagues teach him the secret handshake)
We next come to Commissioner Ken Hagan, who — more than any other elected leader on this board — exemplifies a politician's ability to do absolutely nothing while in office and yet still remain wildly popular in his district. But as much as he eschews accomplishments, he finds time for intraparty politicking, publicly backing Brad Swanson against Rose Ferlita in a Republican primary for county commission and privately advising Swanson's campaign. The hell with the wrongheaded tradition of not openly meddling in other commission races, we salute you, Commissioner Hagan. (healthy applause)
Commissioner Kathy Castor, my how you've come alive in the past year! Just shows you how a good race for Congress can fire you up. But since we Republicans on the board don't like you anyway, we wish you would go back to sleep. Tougher ethics? Human rights? Keeping the county administrator out of political issues like the Ruskin incorporation effort? The voters don't care about that stuff. Thank God we pretty consistently vote you down 6-1. (much harrumphing and pompom shaking)
And Commissioner Tom Scott, we send much love to our Democrat In Name Only. Republicans on the board can often count on your support, especially if it involves bashing gay people. (applause) We're going to miss you as you step down to run for the Tampa City Council, where Democrats can still actually get elected — for now. (stronger applause)
And so we come to our rookie of the year. Commissioner Brian Blair had a steep learning curve, but he's been up to the task, thanks to the behind-the-scenes coaching he gets from former county commissioner Joe Chillura. Whether bashing our transit system or crying "accountability" at every turn of the county budget, Commissioner Blair has fit right into this Republican Majority. I think that the most genius thing he did last year was the covert, mass e-mailing from "Hillsborough Tax Watch." Commissioner Blair was careful not to put his name on the e-mail, which criticized the job we are doing in spending the public's Community Improvement Tax. But he left his "signature" on the piece: e-mail replies to it ended up going to his aide, Josh Burgin, and clicking on a link in it sent you to a website for Commissioner Blair's e-mail address collection. (applause)
Finally, I come to our "star," the most successful of the county commissioners, Ronda Storms. Recounting Commissioner Storms' accomplishments this year would take more time than we have here today. Suffice it to say she is our rock and our redeemer.
And don't forget to vote for Commissioner Storms for the state Senate!
Political Whore can be reached by e-mail at wayne.garcia@weeklyplanet.com or by telephone at 813-739-4805. You can read more political commentary and breaking news on the Planet's blog, www.blurbex.com.
This article appears in Mar 8-14, 2006.