With the 2016 presidential election a year out, the campaign machinations have gotten so convoluted and melodramatic that we’re constantly being reminded of a certain show on HBO. Introducing: Game of Drones, in which we match the schemers and dreamers of D.C., Tallahassee and Tampa Bay with their counterparts in the Seven Kingdoms.
Jeb Bush
The talking heads say Bush had to amaze us all during last Wednesday night’s debate in order for everyone to not declare his campaign dead, but the poor guy’s only advantage that night seemed to be his height. When he tried to go after Sen. Marco Rubio with that “French workweek” quip (by the way, what’s wrong with a French work week? Oh, right. Socialism), the younger and slicker Rubio, a former friend, took him down. Now, despite his campaign’s assertion that nothing is fucked, everyone’s saying Bush’s dream of carrying on the family legacy is over. We’ll give him a Ned Stark.
Marco Rubio
We have to admit, the kid can think on his feet. He’s been whining about how being in the U.S. Senate sucks, and being president would be way cooler. When he was called out for not doing his job, which seems easy as hell to us, especially since nobody seems to care if he shows up, he blamed the mainstream (or lamestream, whatevs) media. In response to the “French workweek” business, Rubio called Bush out for basically being a robot who recites whatever his consultants tell him to in order to press on his opponent’s weak spots. That just might be it for Jeb. Joffrey. Definitely Joffrey.
Paul Ryan
The former vice-presidential candidate ascended to the House Speakership in the wake of John Boehner’s departure. Known for his draconian budget proposals — the perennial “Ryan budget” that was too slashy for even some Republicans — when his name was being mentioned as a possible successor to Boehner, the tea party wing of his party didn’t think he was cray enough. But he was elected to the speakership, and now leads a body that’s incredibly divided. And probably pretty friggin’ doomed. Let’s go with Tommen Boratheon.
Charlie Crist
Crist hasn’t been aggressively out and about since he announced his candidacy for Congress, but in the past week he’s gotten a bit of press. Last Thursday, Congresswoman Kathy Castor, a Tampa Democrat, announced her endorsement of the former Republican, which could help allay concerns over whether he’s a raging opportunist (maybe he just wants to serve the people or something). Because he’s in the right place in the right time with the right name, the name of his lesser-known primary competition, Eric Lynn, is fading away. Likableness (plus dreaminess) and an unmistakable strain of opportunism? Adds up to Margaery Tyrrell.
This article appears in Oct 29 – Nov 4, 2015.