"More die in the United States of too much food than of too little."
—John Kenneth Galbraith
Yeah? Tell that to someone who lives on our salaries. We're so broke, the bum down the street gives us change and the only thing in the pockets of our thrift store jeans is moths. Thank the Grease God for 99-cent menus or we'd be as translucent as Calvin Klein models.
But, if there's one thing we've learned on our journey through Povertyville, there is free food to be found. It ain't always pretty, but neither is Spam and look how far that's come. We'll gladly help our broke mofo brethren in their quest to scam free sustenance, but first you have to eat a healthy appetizer of pride. Some of our methods are — how can we put this? — demeaning and dehumanizing. A small price to pay for not paying a price. You can wail about how pathetic you are — on a full stomach.
Soup Kitchens: There are plenty of soup kitchens and food banks around, and they don't usually turn people away. Granted, you'll be stealing food from the truly needy and will thus surely rot in hell, but with any luck that'll happen waaaaay after dinner.
Happy Hour: These days it's hard to find a bar that doesn't foist artery-busting appetizers on you during happy hour. Look at Ybor City on Friday night: It's the only place we know where you pay for air, but food and drinks are free. Buy a single drink and chow down or, if you're truly smooth, grab the first empty glass you see to affect a "paying customer" look.
The Fonzie: Ever notice how the Fonz always shows up at the Cunningham's right at dinnertime? Most people eat dinner around 6 p.m., and even if you're the last person they want to see at that moment, chances are they're not savvy enough to turn you away gracefully.
Dumpsters: Under the "Absolutely Desperate" category: Start by getting to know the habits of your favorite restaurants. The goal is to nab a sack of food immediately after it's been dumped. Wait too long to indulge in Dumpster delicacies and your next meal could come from Tampa General Cafe. You tell us which is worse.
Free Samples: We love grocery stores. We especially love all the latest foodstuffs we can sample while there. Grocery chains are good for quantity, but seek out specialty markets and vegetarian stores if you're looking for quality. Note: Delis will let you sample a slice of pretty much anything in the case. Hint hint.
Rig Your Dish: A bit underhanded, but whadda ya want? We're starvin'. Some people will tell you dead bugs or broken glass is the way to go, and who are we to argue? But we knew one particularly innovative chap who used to slip unwrapped condoms into his mostly-eaten burgers. Now that's chutzpah!
Anorexia: Befriend people with it. Yes, these people are going through their own private hell, and they do suffer from a serious disorder. But they also seem to enjoy watching other people eat. So you'd be helping 'em out. Kinda. Sorta. (Note: This suggestion is also likely to ensure you a hot seat in hell.)
Art Openings: Wine and cheese, anyone? Why yes, thank you. (You don't think we go for the ridiculously priced "art," do you?)
Fruit Trees: Hel-lo! This is Florida, duh! You can't swing a dead fruit fly without hitting an orange tree. Start collecting the citrus in every yard you come across and say goodbye to colds.
Wealthy Friends: These are tough to come by but the payoff is worth the search. Sure, your dignity might suffer a few scrapes, but that's easier to deal with when you're dining at Bern's.
Food Critics: These lucky bastards eat out a couple times each week at someone else's expense. And they often need research assistants. It's worth a shot.
Incompetence: Plenty of people have it, so feel free to capitalize on it. Order a pizza at 8 p.m. on a Friday, with plenty of explicit instruction: pepperoni on one half, sausage and onions on half the remaining half, pineapple on two slices and extra sauce on the whole thing. In the grand tradition of pizza joints, when your pie arrives, we guarantee it'll be all fucked up. Pitch a fit. Consume free pizza.
Party Crashing: Unless you want a liquid lunch, steer clear of college parties in favor of wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs. To ensure your place in the chow line, befriend the guest of honor's distant relatives, who're also just there for the food.
The Workplace: Don't you hate coworkers who take up all the fridge space with their leftovers? Don't you think it's your responsibility to teach them a lesson by eating their lovingly prepared lunch? You might even get some free Tupperware outta the deal.
—Kelli K and Jerry Nixon
This article appears in Feb 27 – Mar 5, 2002.