Homos are now marrying in California (congrats to all), and should a tornado — or an earthquake or a meteor or the Incredible Hulk — flatten, say, San Francisco's City Hall during a big gay wedding, respected leaders of the religious right will rush to cable broadcast studios to insist that the tornado/earthquake/meteor/Hulk was God's divine judgment, His righteous wrath, wocka wocka wocka.
"I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing," said the Rev. John Hagee, John McCain's ex-BFF, when asked about Hurricane Katrina, which struck New Orleans just before a "massive homosexual rally," aka an annual street party called "Southern Decadence," was supposed to take place in the French Quarter. "I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."
And God got his way: By drowning all those little old ladies in their attics in the Ninth Ward, God prevented that massive gay rally — for one year.
So how does a douchebag like Hagee explain away the recent tragedy in Iowa? A tornado struck a Boy Scout camp, killing four and injuring scores more, and the Scouts are famously anti-gay and anti-atheist. Well, we need only to consult the same interview to learn the answer: While all natural phenomena represent God's "permissible will, it is wrong to say that every natural disaster is the result of sin … No man on Earth knows the mind of God."
See how that works? Not every natural disaster is the result of sin, you see, because sometimes natural disasters happen to us, not just to them, and when they happen to us, well, the Lord sure moves in mysterious ways, and no man on Earth knows the mind of God. But let a natural disaster strike San Francisco this week, next week, or ever again, and Rev. Hagee will be able to read the mind of God like it was a large-print edition of Highlights for Children.
I'm a 20-year-old female college student, and I have a boring history of serial monogamy. I've been in three long-term, committed relationships since I was 15, and I've never had a dick in my mouth that I didn't think was attached to a boy I could love forever.
The problem is this: My current boyfriend is wonderful. We've been together for a year and a half, and we love, respect, and trust each other. But I am starting to long for that lurid history that I never had. Is it normal to feel this way when you realize you really are with someone you plan to stay with for years? I hate the "we need some time apart" line because it seems irrational to part with the expectation of getting back together, but I'm afraid of losing this guy for good over my wanting some quality slut time. What should I tell him? I hate feeling this way.
Restless And Heartbroken
You've convinced yourself that you can have this boy or you can have sexual adventures, RAH, a classic false choice. Who says you can't have this boy and sexual adventures, too? OK, he might say you can't have him and sexual adventures, too — at least the kind that involve you putting a dick in your mouth that's not attached to him — but who knows? If you scrape up the courage to tell your wonderful boyfriend how you're feeling, you might find out that your boyfriend is anxious to do a little lurid adventuring, too. Or your might wind up alone. Either way, you'll wind up having your sexual adventures.
In regards to your answer to Bi Bi Bridie (June 4), the engaged bisexual girl who misses the lesbian sex, I am in complete agreement with you, except for this: "his irrational ultimatums …" To me this situation just seems to be one of basic sexual incompatibility. Asking that one's future spouse remain faithful is not irrational; it's something that many, many people consider a basic foundation for commitment or marriage. This guy isn't comfortable with his wife having extramarital sex, regardless of gender. He wants monogamy; he doesn't want to be cheated on. That doesn't make him an irrational tyrant. It just makes him probably not the best long-term partner for someone who isn't comfortable with long-term monogamy.
Another Perspective
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This article appears in Jun 25 – Jul 1, 2008.