I consider myself an authority on spotting losers because, well, I used to be one. I only exempt myself now because I’m married. Not to say that all married men make quality boyfriends; I just feel that if you’re able to convince a woman to marry you after five years of dating, either you’re not a loser or you’re extraordinary at hiding it.
Obviously there are as many ways to tell if a potential man-date is a loser as there are breeds of crotch ponies. To complicate things, everyone has their own definition of what constitutes a loser. For instance, you may be perfectly fine dating a man I consider a loser because you're desperate or you’re willing to overlook his lacking qualities in lieu of, say, his bank account. With that said, below is a list of signs the guy you just met is a loser
-When asked what he does, he says, “I’m in a band,” or “I’m an artist.”
In the real world, this means he’s unemployed and you’ll be spending a lot of time having fast food dates on his couch while he reloads the bong. Being in a band or being unemployed doesn’t automatically make him a loser. Some quality men will be between jobs when you meet them. And there are the lucky few who make a living on their art. However, the vast majority of self-proclaimed artists are doing well if they make enough on their craft for gas money. We all have ambitions and side projects that we dream will catapult us into super stardom, but most of us realize we need a day job to support this habit. Trying to impress a woman by telling her that what you do is play music or write novels is a pure bitch move that should only work on high school and college girls who are used to dating parent-dependent boys.
-He talks about how often he pumps iron or chugs protein shakes. If he lives at the gym, it should be obvious. If it’s not, him telling you about it is a sign of insecurity. Unless you enjoy a man who brags about his accomplishments more than actually doing said things, leave him to his dumb bells and power smoothies.
-He claims he’s going to be a lawyer or a doctor, but has yet to be accepted into law or medical school. I can’t tell you how many undergrads start college thinking they’ll land in these high-powered profession only to get a job selling insurance upon graduating. Never believe what a guy says he will be, only what he is, which in this case is a boy living in an imaginary future.
-He surprises you by switching a sushi first-date for dinner at his parents' house. Some of you, particularly the extremely religious, may find this endearing. The majority will recognize that this boy isn’t mature enough to be dating a grown-ass woman if he thinks she wants to spend an already awkward first-date smoozing with his parents and playing Jenga. Even if his parents own a beach-side mansion, this is still a dick move because he’s trying to impress you with his parents’ money to compensate for his inability to hold an engaging first-date conversation.
-He mentions how he hates his ex or how she broke his heart. If his ex is coming up this early, chances are she’ll be present during the majority of your relationship. If you don’t take his mind completely off his ex, then either he’s not ready to date or he’s not that taken by you. If he does mention an ex, it should be in a joke or with little emotional attachment, like, “Well I had a dog with my ex, but I let her keep it when we split up.”
-He sends you text, Facebook, or email messages hours after meeting you about how much he loves you. All women want to be worshiped, to walk into a room and take a man’s breath away, and to experience the proverbial love-at-first-sight. If he's going to pour his heart out to you, he should have the balls to do it in person. Electronic confessions of love are about as romantic as him texting you a request for a blow job. The appropriate response to any of these messages is, “Lol. Nice meeting u 2. Good dude friends r hard to find in this city.”
-He refuses a date because he plays Halo online every Thursday with his buddies. Staying in touch with close friends is important for most men. However, if he can’t forfeit one week of gaming for a first-date with you, soon spending time with him will consist of you watching him diddle a keyboard while cursing twelve-year-olds on his gaming headset.
-He can’t take you out on Friday because he already has a date. Sure men are allowed to casually date, but unless y’all are exclusive, he doesn’t need to tell you about this, especially before you’ve even gone out. This classic douche maneuver is used to implant the seeds of jealousy and competition in you. A truly confident man doesn’t need to make you feel insecure by telling you about other women.
-He doesn’t offer to pay for the first date. I don’t care if you asked him out, or he just lost his job. If a dude doesn’t at least offer to pay for the first date he doesn’t have any business dating you. Now I know that in our society the sexes are supposed to be equal and men shouldn’t be expected to pay for the first date. However, there’s plenty of time for you to be an independent, fully liberated woman on the second and third date. If he doesn’t respect the tradition of buying the first meal, he doesn't respect you.
-He mentions his cock, as if you were worried he didn't have one.
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