I’ve been a fan of your Savage Lovecast for a long time, but I had to write after hearing Marty Klein’s awesome talk about the fallacy of “sex addiction.” I am 27, and for most of my adult life, I have suffered from complete sexual dysfunction with partners. I was ashamed and thought I was too sexually screwed up to be with a partner because I’m kinky. (I have a fetish for tights and pantyhose.) I was also afraid to seek help out of fear of being labeled “abnormal” or “addicted to porn.” I managed to get a little better thanks to an encouraging, kinky, porn-loving, sex-positive female partner. In spite of feeling better, I am still having problems with partners. What are some good resources for finding a sex-positive therapist like Dr. Klein? I have been referred by several people to someone listed as a “certified sex addiction therapist,” and I worry this is exactly the kind of unhelpful, sex-negative therapist that Dr. Klein mentioned on your podcast.
NON-Addict Despite Dumb Intolerant Counselors’ Theories
“If the public knew how little sexuality training most therapists receive, they’d be stunned,” said Dr. Marty Klein, a sex therapist, marriage counselor, psychotherapist, and author. “You can get licensed as a marriage counselor or psychologist without hearing the words ‘clitoris,’ ‘vibrator,’ or ‘amateur porn.’ So ‘How do I find a sex-positive therapist?’ is a very important question.”
Klein advises you start by contacting the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT.org). “NON-ADDICT should look for a member in his area,” says Klein. “But the group is small, and not all of them will share his sexual values. Here’s what he should ask a potential therapist: ‘What are your sexual values?’ ‘How do you define healthy sexuality?’ ‘Are you comfortable talking about kinky sex?’ ‘Do you think monogamous, heterosexual, genitally oriented sex is ultimately better than other consensual arrangements?’” The kind of sex-positive therapist you seek will answer straightforward questions like that over the phone before you make an appointment for a session. “And regardless of the answers, if you sense a professional is queasy talking about sex, move on to another candidate.”
Klein says there are many ways to find a local, progressive, sex-positive therapist. “He should call his local Planned Parenthood or LGBT center, a gynecologist or urologist, or the person who teaches sexuality at his local university, or a local divorce lawyer” and ask for a referral, advises Klein. You could even call a priest. “Most clergy send their sexuality cases to one or two local therapists, some of whom are quite progressive.”
To hear Dr. Klein talk with me about pornography and the “sex addiction” racket, go to thestranger.com/lovecast and listen to Episode 326. To read Dr. Klein’s brilliant takedown of the sex-addiction industry (“You’re Addicted to What? Challenging the Myth of Sex Addiction,” The Humanist, July/August 2012), go to tinyurl.com/addictedtowhat. To find out more about Dr. Klein and his work, go to martyklein.com.
I recently used the term “saddlebacking” to indicate the position where a man rubs his penis between his partner’s ass cheeks as either foreplay or nonintercourse sex. My girlfriend, a regular reader of your column, insists that I used the term incorrectly. Did I?
Rubbed The Wrong Way
You did, RTWW. “Saddlebacking,” as defined by Savage Love readers (the Académie Française of sexual neologisms), is when two straight teenagers, endeavoring to preserve an evangelical girl’s virginity, engage in anal intercourse. This is a thing that really happens. Since anal sex isn’t really sex, according to the abstinence educators evangelical teens are exposed to, many good Christian teenagers rationalize that getting fucked in the ass doesn’t really count against a girl’s virginity.
The act to which you refer — rubbing your penis between someone’s ass cheeks as foreplay or as a substitute for intercourse — is known variously as frottage, outercourse, the Princeton Rub, or “the pearl tramp stamp.” But in Chicago, it’s known as “the Cardinal George.”
This article appears in Jan 31 – Feb 6, 2013.
