I was hanging out with a guy who is in a relationship. I told him nothing could happen, and we decided to keep things friendly. A while ago, I made the drunken mistake of climbing into the backseat of a car with him, and things got racy pretty quickly. He asked if I was on birth control; I told him yes, because I was, and he penetrated me and came inside me after one thrust.
The next day, I got all emotional, and he's since stopped talking to me because I freaked. Here we are a bit later, and I just had a pregnancy scare. Had I been pregnant, I would have had an abortion. If I'd actually been facing an abortion, I would have called and told him. Would that have been the right thing to do?
I wouldn't have asked for money or support; I would have told him solely because it would have felt wrong not to. I had some feeling, like he should know — because he has a right to know, you know? I can't imagine I'm the only woman who's been faced with a "to tell or not to tell" situation. Weigh in?
Classy Lady
A woman who is pregnant and has decided to have an abortion should tell the guy who knocked her up about the pregnancy and her decision to abort … unless she sincerely believes — or even legitimately suspects — that the guy is gonna bully, badger, and/or do violence to her in an attempt to prevent her from choosing abortion.
Guys need to know when they've dodged a bullet, CL. Being made aware that he came this close to 18 years' worth of child support payments can lead a guy to be more cautious with his spunk — and, in some cases, more likely to support choice.
Take the guy you fucked: He needs to know that not all birth control methods are foolproof and not every woman who claims to be on birth control is telling the truth and/or being diligent about taking those pills every day. Hearing that almost-a-daddy bullet whiz past his head may convince him to put on that condom the next time he's fucking a woman he isn't serious about, even if she is (or claims to be) on birth control.
And … um … gee. This bit is going to get me scratched off NARAL's Christmas card list, which will be a real bummer (last year's card was great: "The Crusades, the Inquisition, clerical sex-abuse scandals — all of this could have been prevented. Happy holidays from your friends at NARAL"), but I gotta be me. A guy — a good, decent, nonabusive guy — should be told about an impending abortion so he can, if he feels the abortion is a mistake, make a case for keeping the baby. It's still the woman's choice in the end — there should be absolutely no question about that — but the fetus, if not the uterus, is his, too. It's only fair that the same guy who would be on the hook for child support payments if you decide to go through with the pregnancy be heard out before you follow through on your decision to end it.
Here's some information for MILK, the man who is aroused by the thought of being sprayed with his wife's breast milk: It is common for newly lactating women to experience strong "milk ejection reflexes" during sex. This is induced by the hormone oxytocin, which is released during labor and orgasm, and when the milk "lets down" during breast-feeding. In other words: New mothers often spray milk when they get off. Most women are embarrassed when this happens, but at least MILK's wife will know the first time it happens that her husband isn't going to freak out about it.
Breast-feeding Educator's Sex Tips
Thanks for sharing, BEST.
HEY, EVERYBODY: There's a bill moving through the state legislature in Tennessee that would make it a crime for a teacher to say the word "gay." If this bill passes, a bullied gay kid wouldn't be able to go to a teacher or school administrator for help — as if things weren't already hard enough for gay kids in the Bible Belt. More info at www.wesaygay.com.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
This article appears in May 5-11, 2011.