Savage Love
I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, and since then we've been having sex several times a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified. Post-note, I've been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don't know how to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus for us to go (I have three roommates who don't get out much). What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.
Loud And Clear
Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next time you have sex, blast "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)" at top volume. When the neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make when you have sex — their pick.
In your columns on so-called "cuckolding," I wish you had mentioned that many men (and women) share their partners for reasons other than a fetish or an eroticized fear. My partner's sex adventures don't turn me on, but I encourage her for four reasons:
1. It makes her happy.
2. It takes the pressure off me to satisfy her.
3. It liberates me to have other lovers, too, whether or not I act on that freedom.
4. She brings me the sexual energy she picks up on the outside, which has revitalized our sex life.
The thing is, the term "cuckold" is insulting, and it supports a terrible, life-destroying lie of our straight-male-dominated culture — that a man having sex with a woman in some way owns her. So when another man has sex with her, he's robbing the first man of something. Sex should be about love and pleasure, not possession.
Keep Possession Out Of Love
For some folks, KPOOL, sex is about love and pleasure and possession — and there's nothing necessarily unhealthy about the desire to possess someone. We should all understand, of course, that we can never truly possess another person, but we shouldn't feel guilty when our hearts or genitals (women can feel possessive, too) feel a bit differently. It's not a crime when some folks eroticize those possessive feelings, like cuckolds (yes, the term is insulting — that's part of the turn-on), or toy with them, like anyone who's ever gotten a thrill watching his or her partner flirt with someone else.
However, my boyfriend has a "Property of Dan Savage" tattoo in a secret undisclosed location, so perhaps I'm just being defensive.
I'm a bisexual woman in a nonmonogamous marriage with a lesbian. We met one Sunday afternoon through an ad in our local alternative newsweekly. It was supposed to be a booty call, but Jennifer is so smart, witty, and just plain good that I had to have some more of her and her milky-white breasts.
The sex started off fantastic. Eight years later, we've had lots of sex toys, some gents and ladies on the side, and a few sex parties, and we are just as passionate and creative in bed as ever. We respect each other's sexual autonomy and our other partners, as well as our own relationship. Domestically, we are very compatible and even agree on how to spend our money: good causes, traveling, and a Tempur-Pedic bed. Things are fantastic.
My question: How can I be any more smug?
Holly
You've stumped me, Holly. But thanks for sharing your good fortune.
NOTE: I'm going to order everyone out there to send a postcard to Barack Obama, reminding him that 1. he made certain promises to the gay community during the campaign (repeal DOMA, scrap DADT) and 2. he needs to keep 'em. Send your postcard to: President-elect Barack Obama, Presidential Transition Office, Kluczynski Federal Building, 230 S. Dearborn St., 38th Floor, Chicago, IL 60604.
Find more info at Jointheimpact.com.
