Oracle of Ybor: I'm not sure if I want to stay with my manchild husband

Dear Oracle,
My husband and I met when we were young and have been together for nearly 20 years (14 of those married.) We have a kid together, and we’ve gone through so much together. But, I feel like as I keep growing, he’s still the same person he was 20 years ago. He’s a great dad, but he’s really immature as a partner and can be thoughtless. I feel like the same things that have been bothering me for a decade are still there. He’ll work on issues for a bit, but then it’s back to the same old habits. I feel like he doesn’t really see anyone outside of himself, and I feel like I have two kids, him and our actual child. I have a milestone birthday coming up and I honestly don’t know if this is what I want in middle age or older. I love him, but I don’t know if that’s enough anymore. What do the cards suggest?
—Growing up/apart

Cards: King of Wands, Five of Wands, Two of Wands (rev.), Nine of Cups, The Fool

Dear Growing,

There are many men in my life, of all ages, whom I love. Some of these men have their shit together; some do not. I cannot tell you what does the trick. It’s not necessarily marriage or having children. It’s not a career they love or find success in. It’s not hobbies, or religion, or family upbringing. I know plenty of married fathers who still act like teenagers and a few teenagers who act like retired college professors. Some dudes embrace adulthood, some do not.

Judging by the cards, it wouldn’t surprise me if you have little tolerance for the immature. In this spread, you’re the King of Cups, a natural leader and protector who radiates power. You are strength incarnate, the dependable one, someone who undoubtedly has their shit together. You have vision and, most importantly, self-knowledge. Your husband does not.

As the Nine of Cups, your husband sees everything in a dreamy, rose-colored way. He has an optimistic (yet distorted) view of both his own behavior and what’s going on in this relationship. It might be because he doesn’t really know himself. He doesn’t realize he isn’t 17 or 21 or even 30 anymore. He might think that somehow the issues aren’t that big of a deal, or that you aren’t serious when you bring up the problems, or that your dynamic is healthy and fine. Whatever it is, he’s not getting it right now.

And what’s happening now is the Five of Swords division; this type of conflict thrives on miscommunication and misjudgment. You and your husband might not even agree right now what the problems in the marriage are (or even if there are problems at all). Often, this card comes up when teamwork is necessary, and from your question, it seems you don’t feel as if you and your husband are a team. You describe him as your “second” kid—which is not uncommon but pretty grim. (Nobody wants to parent their fucking spouse!) What that really means is you’re alone out there.

I don’t think it started this way. For your past, we have reversed the Two of Wands. The twos are cards of balance; in this suit, it’s a card of hope, of working towards a dream. I think you and your husband started off as equals with the same hopes and vision for the future. I think that hope is what has kept this relationship going for as long as it has. But that hope needs both of you to believe in it to survive, and I’m not sure that’s the case here.

For the final outcome we have the only major arcana of the spread, The Fool. I’ve written many times about The Fool being a card for new beginnings but the image shows The Fool about to walk over a cliffs edge. He will either fly or fall. It is impossible to continue on the path as he knows it.

This suggests a radical change to me. It might mean couples counseling, prioritizing your shared vision for the future, and doing everything you can to make it happen. It might mean quitting jobs and moving and starting off somewhere new.
It also might mean divorce.

In your question, you mentioned that you loved your husband but didn’t know if that was enough anymore. I think you know that answer, and I think you’ve been waiting for someone else to tell you that it’s ok for this to end. Your husband doesn’t have to be a bad guy. He can still be a great dad and just not be the person you’re supposed to be with right now.

How you describe your relationship in your question gives me the impression that you’re done. (If I’m wrong, disregard.) Couple that with the King of Wands, and I think you’ve already come to terms with the fact that your husband will not be the partner you need him to be or want to have. Twenty years is a long time to know someone. You know if they’ll change or they won’t.

If you are through with the marriage, you should tell him. This might totally blindside him (see: Nine of Cups delusion), but neither of you deserves to be in a relationship that cannot be salvaged. However, I hope this new path includes a very amicable co-parenting relationship. You’ve mentioned that he’s a great father, and hopefully, he does stay that way. (You mention he’s “thoughtless,” but hopefully, that doesn’t apply to things like school pickup or tossing off casually cruel remarks to your child.)

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I could tell you that you’ll be ok, but I suspect you already know that. The King of Wands has a lion’s strength. I hope that however your family evolves, all of you—you, husband, and child—have a peaceful and happy future.

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