I love my mom. We’re very close, and I do love spending time with my family during the holidays. However…she has always been horrible with time management, and it gets worse during the holidays. She’ll show up multiple hours late to things, invite people over, run out for a “quick errand,” and not return until an hour after they’ve arrived, insist on cooking dinner but not start preparing until close to 8 p.m., etc. My siblings and I have tried talking to her, but she gets incredibly defensive. I don’t want to parent my mom, but it’s so stressful, especially now that there are grandkids! How do we talk to her about her time management?—All I Want For Christmas is You (To Be Punctual)
Cards: The Seeker, The New Moon, Five of Wands (reversed), Eight of Swords
Dear Punctual,
There is an old pop-psychology adage that people have difficulty listening to those closest to them. It might be bullshit, but it certainly seems to be the case when talking to one’s parents. I think there is a double minefield when talking to one’s folks because 1.) they’re used to being the authority, and 2.) their love for you makes any criticism feel a thousand times worse.
With both The Seeker searching for divine origins and The New Moon representing the Great Beginning (unique to my deck, “Pagan Otherworlds”), I think this issue is much deeper than just your mom running late. It might be that you are either looking consciously or unconsciously for the reason why she doesn’t seem to notice the stress it causes her family, why it feels worse now that grandkids are in the mix. It might be that you don’t feel valued or your concerns are minimized, but there’s something deeper at play, and I encourage you and your siblings to talk about how it makes you feel and, possibly, also talk to a therapist about it.I don’t think following the old playbook (telling her how you feel) will work. The reversed Five of Wands suggests that y’all are in different camps about this issue and at an impasse. Wands are also a suite of passion, so it would not surprise me if these conversations lead to far more fights than any real soul-searching on your mother’s part.
With the Eight of Swords, it feels like nothing will change. But that trapped feeling is an illusion. There are ways out—you just have to find it. It might take some creativity and an open mind, but you and your siblings are adults. You have power in the relationship. Perhaps that looks like boundaries, taking separate cars to events, or ordering dinner for the kids at 6 p.m. Talk together (and, again, possibly with a therapist) to see if you can come up with a collective plan of action.
On a final note, time blindness is a very real and serious side effect of ADHD. As someone who has it (and several daily alarms set on her phone) some of your mom’s behaviors seem familiar to me. That might be a far trickier conversation, but if you think your mom might be open to seeing a therapist, it might be worth suggesting.
Dear Oracle,
I’ve never been someone who got the winter blues, but everything feels really heavy this year. I’m fighting with my partner more than ever, I feel overwhelmed, and the world just seems really dark. What can I do to bring light to this time of the year?—Drowning in The Dark
Cards: Nine of Cups (reversed), Nine of Swords, The Star, Five of Cups (reversed)
Dear Drowning,
The literal darkest time of the year is often a metaphorical one as well. The pressure on the holidays, being cooped up in the house, or just the lack of sun can make even those with the sunniest dispositions dim. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
The stillness of winter can also show us what we’ve been too distracted to see in the warmer months. You mention fighting with your partner more. Both the Nine and Five of Cups are reversed, suggesting that perhaps issues with the relationship have been building for some time. The Nine often sees things with rose-colored glasses, whereas the Five can be the opposite—seeing only the negative and ignoring the good. This might be a good time to explore how you feel in your relationship, either with a therapist, journaling, or some other reflective measure.
I suggest solo exploring before discussing as a couple because with the Nine of Swords, I wonder if you’re feeling stuck in your relationship and, if so, if this is a new feeling or not. The Nine of Swords can sometimes be a card of transformation, and paired with the cups, it suggests that one or both of you have changed since the beginning. This might cause anxiety on either end and lashing out, so it’s important to look below the surface.
Your true feelings probably lie somewhere between the fantasy relationship of the Nine of Cups and the distraught melodrama of the Five. When you find the truth, then you can bring it into balance with your life, as guided by The Star.
Perhaps you are giving more than you’re getting now, and conversations could improve your relationship. Perhaps couples counseling might be the answer. Perhaps this relationship has reached a natural end. I don’t know—and I’m not sure you do either. So, take time to explore how you feel and see if you’re distorting (for good or bad) your feelings.
With the guidance of the Star, you can also see how you might bring other parts of your life into balance. Perhaps you need more rest right now. Perhaps you need more activity, and something like volunteering would help. Feeling connected to something larger than yourself in the outer world might help you sift through your inner world.
However you decide to go about it, I hope you’re able to find the light.
Take care, my dear.
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This article appears in Dec 12-18, 2024.