Damn, that was a long campaign.
The 2008 presidential election will go down in history as the most time-consuming and expensive ever. For more than two years solid, dozens of Democratic and Republican hopefuls criss-crossed the nation, spouting various platitudes about strengthening America, fixing our economy, providing affordable health care and catching Osama bin Laden.
Along the way, we got lots of good information and debate; most of us now know more about tax policy and Wall Street than we ever thought we would. But let's face it: No matter how high the quality of your booze, if you imbibe enough you are going to have a hangover.
So here we are, the morning after, with a king-hell headache, nausea, fatigue, body aches and dizziness.
And we say to ourselves, like any good drunk (repeat after me), "With God as my witness, I will never get political again."
Cheer up. Grab a big glass of water and a filling breakfast, and take solace from these post-election benefits that will help us all get back on our feet:
1. It's safe to turn your television set back on. Instead of wall-to-wall political attack ads, we can return to our steady diet of commercials for fast food, cellphones and personal injury law firms. The cable news channels won't let the election go completely, though; look forward to 24-hour coverage of the various legal challenges to the vote count.
2. Feel free to jog along your favorite path again without stumbling over rows of McCain-Palin and Obama-Biden yard signs.
3. We get a hiatus from the following phrases: "my friends," "yes we can," "spread the wealth," "middle-class tax cuts" and the immortal "change."
4. Joe the Plumber goes back to his unlicensed job in Toledo, Ohio, and we never hear from him again. Until he is jailed for not paying his taxes. Or until he has his own series on Fox.
5. Maybe now the Palins won't make that poor little redneck Levi Johnston marry Bristol.
6. The I-4 corridor, having briefly enjoyed its status as the center of the political universe, will disappear like Brigadoon for another four (and hopefully 16) years.
7. And speaking of the I-4 corridor, we can now turn our attention to local matters, such as the fact that the regional transportation authority, TBARTA, looks like it is not doing so hot on coming up with a rail transit system that voters could approve in two years.
8. Fifty percent of the crap in your mailbox for the past month disappears now. All that remains: bills, coupons for delivery pizza and your newly downsized copy of Rolling Stone.
9. We get to find out whether the whole "Economy is ruined" thing was just a campaign scare tactic. Here's a hint: It's real.
10. Saturday Night Live, without the crutch of easy political targets, will finally have to come to grips with the fact that the cast has only one, maybe one and a half, funny actors and apparently almost no funny writers. Lorne, make some changes, dammit!
11. Tina Fey can turn her attention from fancy pageant-walkin' to making 30 Rock better than its season premiere was. (She's already said she wouldn't do Palin again even if she won the vice presidency.)
12. Without the air cover of a presidential campaign to distract voters, local officials will have to turn their attention to the Tampa Bay economy. How about accelerating public works projects, cutting back on permitting delays to allow small businesses to build and expand, and putting all their government PR dollars into job creation-education programs?
13. You can plug your telephone back in again, safe from robo-calls touting one candidate or attacking another. Go ahead, dial up mom's number; you haven't talked to her since back in January.
14. The states of Iowa and New Hampshire crawl back into their holes for another four years.
15. The chain e-mails about Obama's Muslim heritage, hatred of the American flag, desire to capitulate to Iran, plan to redesign the flag, effort to make the national anthem "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," hatred of white people and middle name really being "Hussein" are done. Their replacement? A newly unfettered flow of Nigerian inheritance money scams.
16. No more waiting at an intersection for five or six light changes while a motorcycle cop holds up traffic for a candidate's motorcade.
17. From the editor: My highly politicized partner will take down all those damn lawn signs from in front of our house.
18. Get real about going green instead of just hearing political bromides about "investing in alternative energy." Just because gas is back down below $2.50 a gallon doesn't mean you should stop riding the bus one or two days a week, or keeping your A/C off now that it is fall, or looking into buying locally.
19. One sure cure for a political hangover: the "Hair of the Dog." The next general election is just 103 weeks away. Seven candidates in Hillsborough County (including Commissioner Jim Norman, who wants a promotion to the state Senate) and two in Pinellas have already opened campaign fundraising accounts for the November 2010 balloting. Go ahead and write them a campaign check.
20. Three words: Bucs playoffs run.
This article appears in Nov 5-11, 2008.