So is Bill Nelson, valiantly trying to keep liberals from throwing themselves off something tall, but some days it must seem like a useless battle. After all, none of us saw Scott winning a second term as governor — after all, he's notoriously evil: He's Big Sugar's bitch, because screw the Everglades, amirite?; he's the guy who forbade state employees from using the phrases "climate change" or "global warming"; and — lest all the seniors and anyone who ever needed healthcare ever forget — he led what some called (and Politico deemed "mostly true") the "largest Medicare fraud in U.S. history" where he went scot-free and his underlings were led away from HCA facilities in handcuffs.
And now he wants to be one of our two representatives in D.C.
The liberal part of me — the one raised by my German Jewish grandmother who would ask 10-year-old me what I thought of President Reagan's inability to remember key facts about where he was in the 1980s — wants to kick and scream and send all my money to Bill Nelson's campaign.
But as for the part of me that's been watching national politics with horror ever since I realized I found Ted Cruz more agreeable a choice for president than Donald Trump? That dark part of my soul thinks, hell, why not put Rick Scott in that seat? After all, think of the benefits:
1. Floridians named Harry will get fewer pains where their scar is if Scott's in D.C., not Florida.
2. Sea level rise will actually impact D.C. before it impacts Tallahassee. #PoeticJustice
3. Maybe then he can get Donald Trump to fund fixing the levee around Lake Okeechobee.
4. With a good deep cleaning, some smudging and 50 or so of Florida's best priests, the Governor's mansion will be all ready for Andrew Gillum, who's gonna have enough to worry about, what with fixing the horrors of the past seven years without having to battle actual evil, too.
5. Amazon can finally bring back Alpha House.
6. One 45 deserves another.
7. Why wouldn't we want a venture capitalist in DC?
Contact Cathy Salustri here.
This article appears in Apr 5-12, 2018.