Some people think it's impossible to cheat in a polyamory relationship, but it doesn’t work that way. The following are four rules that my boyfriend, The Puppy, and I have:
1) No starting a new relationship without telling your partner.
Deciding to have an open, poly, or otherwise non-monogamous relationship doesn't automatically give you the green light to screw anything that catches your fancy. For one thing, you may be thinking that you’re fine with a V (Sally and Susan are dating Timmy, but not each other) or a triad (Susan, Sally, and Timmy date each other) relationship. Your partner may want a closed triad (Susan, Sally, and Timmy date only each other- also a form of poly fidelity). Or maybe you were expecting to have a hierarchical relationship where your starting partner would be your primary, while any new person would be secondary. Little things like this should be talked over before either party brings home someone new. Even if the talk is skipped, your starting partner should be aware that you have added someone new to the relationship. Bottom line: If you're dating someone behind your partner(s)’s back, it is cheating. No if, ands, or hoo-haws about it.
This article appears in Apr 29 – May 5, 2009.
