My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He's 31; I'm 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Here's our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he's practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.
Early on, it didn't bother me much — infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships — but now that we're married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, my "amazing ass" gets hit on all the time, and I'm an open-minded, porn-loving girl — but my husband isn't interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I'm at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my "amazing ass." He's admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
Sexless And Desperate
Your husband — who is beating off three times a week in front of the computer — is interested in sex, SAD. He's just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he's ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn't sex. It's about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don't marry.) Since he's unlikely to change his ways — his stunted, sexually selfish ways — you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I'd encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is — and he shouldn't have a problem with that. If sex doesn't matter to him, if he's indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn't matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you're a good and loving partner and co-parent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you're having sex with other dudes will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his fist.
I've been seeing "Radioman" for a few weeks — the physical chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun. He had a vasectomy a year ago (he's only 26), and for me this is a deal breaker for any serious commitment, since I want to have a family. The other surprise is that he is also in relationships with two other women. They know about each other and about me, and the three of them get together about once a month and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists that she was just tired and that she actually likes me. I'm not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in this foursome?
Thinking Of Joining A Harem
Yes.
Speaking of drama: Teen mom Bristol Palin and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, recently called it quits. So we've been cheated out of the Royal Rube Wedding we were promised during last summer's Republican National Convention — and another child will grow up without a father in the home, which is a tragedy for the child, according to America's Talibangelists.
Or that's what they said when Mary Cheney — remember that dyke? — had a baby with a woman she would marry if she could marry. It's weird that America's Talibangelists aren't making the same point now.
This article appears in Mar 25-31, 2009.