Teabagging the prez
I thought I knew what teabagging meant: to dip a man's testicles in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation about the Republican teabagging craze, my boyfriend told me that teabagging meant to put your balls into someone else's mouth. A person without balls, he insists, can't do the teabagging. But many people I know think they are the teabagger and their partner is the one being teabagged. An Internet search turns up both definitions. So, Dan, I'm asking you — as an expert on all things both political and sexual — do any of us hetero females have a chance of teabagging President Obama? Don't get me wrong: I want to teabag the president for all the right reasons. I'm a supporter. I just want in on any political activity that involves Obama's balls in my mouth.
The Earnest Aspirant
Let's say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama's sack resting comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something meritorious — defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Senator Al Franken — and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle of Freedom. The New York Times might report, "The president of the United States and a Savage Love reader were spotted 'teabagging' in the Oval Office today."
But while you can teabag with the president, TEA, you don't have what it takes to administer a teabagging to the president. To teabag someone, you need a scrotum with which to teabag them: The teabagger dips sack; a teabaggee receives dipped sack. It's a little confusing, I realize, in that it's the opposite of a blowjob: The person with a dick in his or her mouth is giving the blowjob; the person being sucked is receiving the blowjob. But language is funny that way.
As you've proven in the past with "santorum" and "saddlebacking," you have considerable influence. So to reward the Vermont legislature's recent decision to override the governor's veto and legalize same-sex marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to purchase products made in Vermont? And Iowa? Think of it: Your millions of fans could trade in chocolate body paint for maple syrup as the sexy edible substance of choice, all the while supporting this legislative victory and (we hope) spurring others like it.
D.J.'s Fellow Gayby
P.S. I have absolutely no stake in Vermont's economy. I just want my dads to be able to marry one day in the state where my family lives.
That day may come more quickly than we think, DJFG, thanks to the bravery of elected officials in Iowa and Vermont. As for rewarding Iowa and Vermont ... Like most Americans, I consume way more corn syrup than a person should (that shit's in everything), so Iowa is covered; but I will make sure the next bottle of maple syrup I purchase is from Vermont — but I'll be pouring it on my pancakes, thanks, not my boyfriend. Food is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is not a sex toy, not even chocolate.
My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse with me while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I'm not asking to have sex when I'm on my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail ends of my period. He says it's disgusting, even if he wears a condom, and that it makes his stomach turn to even think about it. I find this terribly frustrating because my period lasts a good 10 days (according to his definition), and I have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love him, and I'd rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do?
Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return
Only blow him on days when he hasn't used his penis to urinate.
Because really, how can he ask you to suck cock on days when pee comes out of his thing? That's just as disgusting — it's more disgusting — than a little bit of blood on the condom. And any guy who can't handle a little bit of blood shouldn't be asking his girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts of urine might be lurking in his urethra. But if he wants you to blow him — to keep him content during your period — then he needs to find a way to do the same for you. If he can't bring himself to fuck you during your period, AFTER, then at the very least he can help you get off with a vibrator, or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation, or eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap.
If he won't do any of that, reconsider DTMFA.
