A: They're more concerned with the weather off the coast of Africa.
Here's your unofficial CL weather outlook for the weekend, and also a look at what kind of humans these storms would be.
Florence is angry — we don't know at what — and looking to tear up some shit. Hopefully she'll get it out of her system before making landfall (which will likely be north of Florida, given the Forecast Cone). North Carolina, time to hunker down — she's at 130 mph and, more importantly, her pressure's going down like a college freshman at a keg party.
Tropical Storm #8: It's off the coast of Africa. If it gets a name, it will likely be Helene or Isaac, depending on whether it grows in intensity before Tropical Depression #9. But TS 8 — we're gonna lay odds on Helene — is sort of uppity, the kind of storm that cannot wait to make it back up north and is always telling us how backwards we are in Florida, so we're gonna bet she tracks north ASAP, leaving us nice and dry.
Tropical Depression #9: It, too, is off the coast of Africa, but closer to Florida. It has a 90% chance of achieving "cyclone formation" (tropical storm) by Sunday night. And if it does, we could… well, we could get wet. And windy. Her (or his — we're gonna lay odds on it being Isaac) Forecast Cone is slow and steady, without much variation. So, you know, this is the tropical storm we would friendzone, because it isn't really that exciting. By the time that changes — probably mid-week or so, if at all — it's too late for us, because we're probably barefoot and pregnant with the child of some volcano we met at The Castle. And that was a mistake on our part, because those guys we friendzone? They turn out to be some really fun guys. Although, if this storm ends up in the gulf and stays slow, we're fucked. And not in the good way.
Did we mention we're not loving those names, which are so 2012? Also, all kidding aside, TD9 doesn't look like it's gonna play, so now — right now — make sure your generators are working and maybe stock up on batteries and canned tuna before everyone raids Publix, OK?
This article appears in Sep 6-13, 2018.
