But, yes, snow pummeled the eastern seaboard from D.C. northward in a freakish late-winter storm, which caused three deaths as it passed through the northeast U.S. and Canada. We hope the hazardous weather passes quickly and reminds everyone that the Florida sun will always be here for them — as long as they don't mind living atop radioactive waste or swimming in agricultural sludge (or the thousands of Florida men and women who either vote overwhelmingly for politicians who let things like this happen, or don't vote at all because they got their hand stuck in a jar of pickled eggs or whatever).
Also: Cobras. Somewhere in Ocala, Florida Man is missing his pet two-foot monocled cobra. It's cool; dude has a venomous reptiles license, so it's not illegal or anything. But the snake did manage to escape its enclosure and is now wandering around in a neighborhood that has a school nearby. Insert Annoyed Captain Picard image macro with the caption 'Why the fuck is it legal to own venomous reptiles in Florida?!" here.
Up in Tallahassee, Democratic state lawmakers highlighted proposed laws that would require employers to pay men and women equally for equal work. House Democratic Leader Janet Cruz, who represents parts of Tampa, got the crowd to chant, "I want my whole damn dollar" during a rally in support of those bills. In honor of Women's History Month, Republican lawmakers swiftly moved the bill into the same committee that is now considering tough punishments for polluters, bold consumer protections and a statewide $12/hour minimum wage: the Committee on Being an Actual Landfill.
Some of our readers may have tuned into Rachel Maddow's show after she teased on Twitter that she had a scoop on President Donald Trump's tax returns, which turned out to be somewhat anticlimactic. It was only one year's worth, and for a year during which the guy did so well (2005 — before any possible Russian what-have-you) that some say it may have been leaked by Trump himself. Trump took to Twitter Wednesday morning to call the report "FAKE NEWS," what with him having been so "smart" that he hasn't paid taxes in 20 years. Take that, dishonest media!
And, finally, in Pinellas County there were elections in the towns where you had your bachelorette party. In Gulfport, two incumbents kept their city council seats. In Madeira Beach, several pro-redevelopment incumbents lost theirs to challengers opposed to a giant mixed-use development that will be mostly empty the next time Wall Street feels like tanking the economy. On Treasure Island, voters took down incumbents largely over development and a proposed bridge toll. Curmudgeonly South Pasadena Mayor Dan Calabria, sort of a small-town Trumpian figure, got taken down handily. And former Safety Harbor Mayor Joseph Ayoub got his old job back. None of these people will ever be president.
This article appears in Mar 9-16, 2017.