"I crush souls," said Monday, smirking. "I destroy dreams. Your sister Wednesday gives false hope; she represents the apex of effort, a goal to be overcome. What are you, Tuesday?"
Tuesday struck a match on her boot, lit a cigarillo, and smiled. "I'm a respite," she replied, exhaling noxious smoke, "from your bullshit. If they ever serve brunch on a weekday, it's gonna be me — naked and literal, like on those sushi chicks."
Somebody I've never heard of, who's the chairwoman of the Hillsborough County School Board, has moved to terminate the contract of Superintendent MaryEllen Elia, someone I have heard of in the context of her being unpopular in her role. The most important takeaway from all the slapfighting? Elia makes "more than $280,000 annually," which shouldn't need any context at all to infuriate Hillsborough County residents who should know that the average salary for a teacher in the county is just over $48,000. Which is more than I get paid to remind you that teachers should be the highest-paid public servants in the country, and that all bureaucrats should be paid the median salary for the area they represent. But who am I? Just the voice of reason, that's all. Carry on with Project Idiot Oblivion.
This one isn't local, but oh, it's sweet: A NASCAR driver known as "The Outlaw" has related an extremely interesting and wholly psychotic story about his ex-girlfriend being an assassin, upon whom a character in the film Zero Dark Thirty was based. Dude said that once, she left in camo and returned in a blood-stained evening gown. The investigating body said that — ARE YOU READY FOR IT — the driver's story just went around in circles. (I'll be here all week, folks, tip your bartender.)
A dude from Georgia sued the Pasco County Sheriff's Office, saying he was subjected to police brutality in the course of a false arrest regarding a case of domestic abuse. I did an image search for the guy, and no black people showed up, but a lot of the white guys looked pretty meth-y. So, you know, I'm not really all that hot on making him my cause for the week or anything.
And finally, Mitt Romney is apparently unsuccessfully trying to poach Jeb Bush's home-turf supporters in yet another bid for the presidency. Give it up, Mitt; Rubio's from here, and he's fucked even without the whole weird Utah thing. (You know what I mean.)
This article appears in Jan 8-14, 2015.