Good morning. How are your allergies? My allergies are at Level Considering Cutting My Nose Off.
FRIDAY, FEB. 23:
A young asshole woman in Tarpon Springs got mad because her fiancé wouldn't crack her back, so she shot and killed their dog. I'm sorry, but this is worth remembering, worth being the thing that, ahem, dogs this 27-year-old asshole for the rest of her life. Her fiancé wouldn't crack her back, and so she got out her gun, and when that didn't inspire the response she wanted, she shot and killed their dog. We all make mistakes, yes. We all don't kill a dog over a back cracking. Everyone that encounters this woman for the rest of her life should be aware that she shot a dog. Click through, learn her name, and if you ever run into her, be like, "oh, you're that asshole that shot the dog, we reserve the right to refuse anyone service and you cannot buy delicious doughnuts here," or whatever. Forever.
An 18-year-old was removed from the campus of a Pasco County high school after an AR-15 was found in the cab of his truck. Sorry, privacy advocates and misinterpreters of the Second Amendment.
SATURDAY, FEB. 24:
Speaking of doing the right thing, a number of airlines and other corporations severed their business ties to the NRA in the wake of the Parkland shooting, because it should've been done a long time ago but hey, better late than never and also the NRA sucks and doesn't care if kids get killed as long as weapons manufacturers make money, you know that, right? The NRA doesn't give a shit about your right to hunt; your right to hunt is not what makes the NRA its money, OK? I'm totally down with your right to hunt. Sing it with me: Fuuuuuuuuuuck the ennnn arrrrrgh aaaaayyyyyyyy…
And finally, still speaking of guns, there was a perfectly poorly timed gun show in Tampa this past weekend, though the one in Broward County scheduled for a couple of weeks from now was canceled out of a token effort to appear sympathetic. I actually really love gun shows, they're fun and the people-watching is superb, I just think they should be gun shows and not gun sales, you should be able to go there and hold many metal phalluses and get your boner shivers on, but then still have to go home and have your entire life investigated before you can purchase a semi-automatic weapon from a private seller. I CAN'T BUY CLARITIN D WITHOUT GETTING ON THE GRID.
This article appears in Feb 22 – Mar 1, 2018.
