"Today is a day for fresh perspectives," said the landing page of my Microsoft email program when I logged in this morning. Clearly, my Microsoft email program wasn't keeping up with last night's election results, and can go fuck itself.
Much of yesterday's primary electioneering went pretty much as expected (bye, Marco), with one tiny anomaly — Jeb Bush reportedly captured 2 percent of the Florida vote. I'm sure he pretended not to care when his mother went out to the treehouse to bring him cookies and the news, but you know the guy was totally psyched on the inside.
Um, wow. The Florida Strawberry Festival reportedly drew more than half a million people this year, the highest tally since the fest began using easily trackable electronic ticketing back in '08. Think about it. 500,000 people. That's a whole lot of shortcake. And a whole lot of having not been interested in finding a new band to like since 1979.
And finally, a Lakeland woman is fighting to keep the 6-foot alligator she's had as a pet for more than a decade. She has a license for the animal, but it seems that once they hit six feet, owners are required by law to have 2.5 acres of land. But she says it doesn't matter, because her alligator is light sensitive, and doesn't leave its bedroom all that often. Crazy cat ladies better come correct.
This article appears in Mar 10-16, 2016.