I'll forego the usual sarcastic/fictional/absurdist intro to Sh*t Happens, and instead just call the man above a jackass. I call him worse later on.
During a debate over a measure regarding a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking an abortion, Tennessee Republican Senator Todd Gardenhire defended his views by describing his vasectomy "a lot more stringent process" than a D&C. Tennessee Republican Senator Todd Gardenhire is obviously a fucking idiot, and should have his tenure in politics aborted as soon as possible, so that he may actually have a real-world basis for comparison.
A bill originally conceived to allow the Seminole Tribe of Florida to continue to legally offer blackjack at its casinos has Frankensteined (and, undoubtedly, gone unread by some legislators) to the point that it may allow unprecedented expansion of gambling options for the tribe. While I wholeheartedly support the tribe's well-deserved right to make tons money off the people that committed countless atrocities against it, might I suggest branching out into hedge funds or fossil fuels? It's just that it would be great to put the hurt on those white folks that actually made billions off the exploitation of their land, in addition to, you know, chain-smoking, mouth-breathing losers wagering money they could spend on the kid they see on weekends on Yellow Submarine to show in the fourth.
Credit card skimmers were discovered at two gas stations in Brooksville. If at this point you're not sure what a credit card skimmer is, burn all of your credit and debit cards and traffic in gold currency for the rest of your life, and also, thanks for the social security numbers.
And finally, the Golden Bear is still a better golfer than you'll ever be.
This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2015.