Hey, that stupid famous neckhorse finally had its dumb snorkelneck baby so can we please start to do literally anything else with our lives? Like maybe taking a quick look at the weekend's most unusual headlines and then going to a two-hour lunch, for instance.
FRIDAY APRIL 14:
Your weekend fire bookend, Friday edition: Off Westshore Boulevard, just north of Gandy.
A story broke Friday about a junkie who was arrested in Tampa Thursday night after cops serving a warrant on him had to rescue him from the AC duct he was hiding in. The dude had to be taken to the hospital and treated for hypothermia. The dude is, uh… not a criminal mastermind.
SATURDAY APRIL 15:
So for the last 12 years, a guy in Brandon has dressed up the way he imagines Jesus looked during the Passion, and lugged a cross for three miles on the Saturday before Easter. Because that's exactly what Jesus would like to see, should he ever choose to return: somebody exploiting the painful final hours of his life in order to commit the deadly sins of superbia and vanagloria.
A 14-year-old boy was charged with driving without a license and causing a traffic accident with injuries after he wrecked an SUV and injured seven of the people in it — two of which were adults, aged 32 and 34. TWO OF WHICH WERE ADULTS. Two of which were adults. In the vehicle. With the 14-year-old who was driving. In the vehicle. With two adults. Who have somehow survived long enough to attain the ages of 32 and 34, despite being fucking dumb enough to let a 14-year-old drive an SUV with at least seven people in it on I-4. The mind, it boggles.
SUNDAY APRIL 16:
And finally, your weekend fire bookend, Sunday edition: A remote part of Weedon Island Preserve in southern Pinellas. C'mon, people. There hasn't been any lightning; these are obviously manmade fires. Butt your butts.
This article appears in Apr 13-20, 2017.
