Heh. Cows are awesome.
Hey, remember Abraham Shakespeare, the Polk County dude who won $17 million in the lottery back in '06, only to be ripped off and murdered by his girlfriend in '09? Well, a former girlfriend of his just won $1 million herself. She didn't want to be photographed for the linked story because of what happened to Shakespeare, she said — in a piece that mentions multiple biographical details, including the full name of her oldest son. Frankly, she could've covered her keeping-it-quiet-so-as-not-to-get-killed-and-buried-in-someone's-yard bases a little more fully, is all we're saying.
In other Lakeland news, a 5-year-old girl attending a religious summer camp was left behind at a local park. So obviously everybody's gonna talk about the divine providence that led to her being found safe, and not the very terrestrial human ineptitude that caused her imperilment in the first place.
And finally, to complete a Sh*t Happened Polk County hat trick, here's a story about eight cows that have been missing from a local pasture for a month. This story broke yesterday, so, apparently the proper time to wait for your cows to come home is… a month. If your cows don't come home in a month, you can stop waiting until the cows come home. Oof.
This article appears in Jun 8-15, 2017.
