Sometimes it seems our species won't be totally happy until we've relegated ourselves to bathing in waste to cool off from the heat in our pay-by-the-week motel rooms while we wait for the nightly fireworks that reaffirm our faith in our chosen nation's supremacy. Or, whatever, maybe it was just Thursday all over again.
So, looking forward to taking a dip in the bay this Labor Day weekend? Don't do it at E.G. Simmons Park, Cypress Point or Davis Islands Beach, because fecal bacterial pollution. Ah, the things you won't see on a postcard.
Around 30 guests were evacuated from a Clearwater Knights Inn due to a fire. Yep, you read that right — more than two dozen people paid to stay at a Knights Inn in Clearwater. Comparably safe/comfortable: Burying yourself completely in the sand on Clearwater Beach and breathing through a Big Gulp straw.
A man's body was found floating in the water near the St. Pete Pier. Cops said the man's age and race could not immediately be determined, which implies a certain amount of wear and tear. What if the upside-down pyramid was actually a secret burial shrine? DISCUSS.
And finally, a device discovered in a Madeira Beach parking lot that looked a hell of a lot like a hand grenade turned out to be a smoke bomb firework shaped like a hand grenade. Perhaps it would be better if we only made grenade-looking things that didn't do grenade-type stuff — like, I dunno, bread or cookies or currency. Just a thought.
(Image of WWII grenades by Bn via Wikimedia Commons)
This article appears in Aug 27 – Sep 2, 2015.