Good morning! How was your iPhone Announcement Day yesterday? I don't suppose it was much of a matter of concern for those of us who spent the afternoon and evening guarding a cooler containing a Zima and a sugar-free Red Bull sitting in two inches of tepid water. (I know, I know, the crews are busting their asses, and we all appreciate it — it's the sheen of dried sweat covering me like the plastic on one side of a Fruit Roll-Up that's making me cranky. This too shall pass.)
Speaking of those parts of the Bay area still without power, Duke Energy released its projections of when electricity will be completely restored in various regions, and let's just say you might wanna get some more ice, just in case. If this enrages you, we highly recommend re-watching some footage of Harvey and prudently keeping your trap shut.
As if you weren't tension-drained enough, a glitch in Pinellas County's wireless emergency alert system caused a false warning and evacuation alert to be sent out to some recipients yesterday, making them wonder if they somehow got secretly cast in the worst reboot of Groundhog Day EVER.
And finally, some good news. Good news? Fucking great news, man: President Donald J. Trump will be in Florida tomorrow to tour hurricane-ravaged parts of the state, and probably to sit in at least one truck like an excitable five-year-old and also call a group of sweaty people whose immediate futures are questionable at best "a great crowd." Do you feel relieved? I feel relieved.
This article appears in Sep 7-14, 2017.