The banality of evil never looks goofier than when our cheeks are stuffed with food. More so, when that food makes a hastened exit due to inebriation.
Overindulgence in food and drink goes way back to Dionysus, the god of food, wine and theatah. Dionysus was too arty to hang with the other Greeks, so he drank and ate and entertained his blues away. He'd eat, eat, eat until he was in an endorphin-fueled trance.
Now, anyone can make like Dionysus at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Some eateries, in their own eviltude (see GREED), forsake quality for quantity, so as many sinners as possible can belly up to the troughs to shovel goopy glop onto their plates.
But some places offer real cuisine rather than just mountains of food. They bake bread, make pasta from scratch and use vegetables that are not in a cryogenic state. Oystercatchers is such a place. If there were a get-out-of-hell-free card, you'd be permitted to use it at the restaurant's chichi Sunday brunch.
There's something surreal about stepping into the Sunday brunch at Oystercatchers (6200 Courtney Campbell Causeway, Tampa, 813-281-9116). It's almost as if a harp should be playing, like the ones in televised fantasy sequences. A heavenly strum would introduce each item as the camera lovingly pans long, white tablecloths with pyramids of silver warming trays bearing quiche tortellini; salads; various veggie and meat medleys; a pasta bar with several styles of noodles and sauces; an omelet station; Belgian waffles alongside thick homemade whipped cream and fresh strawberries; a giant, juicy carved beef; fresh, plump shrimp and oysters on the half-shell; razor-thin smoked salmon; pate; baked salmon and whitefish; vegetable quiche; and antipasti with Caprese salad (big white dollops of fresh mozzarella, basil and vibrant tomatoes).
Think I'm done yet?
No. There's the dessert bar, which has giant layered chocolate cakes, multilevel tiramisu; apple pie; crepes Suzette; cherries jubilee; bananas Foster; plus fresh fruit; eggs benedict; croissants; and a giant heap of ham and bacon.
A host or hostess seats you and immediately and serves fresh-squeezed orange juice from a transparent glass pitcher. You can sit back and relax in the fresh air on the patio, overlooking mangroves and a tiny strip of bayside beach, or eat inside the ceramic-tiled, elegantly intimate dining room, among well-to-do regulars and regular people celebrating honeymoons and showers.
The spread is not all for show. The quality at this buffet is unsurpassed; the stuff tastes as good as it looks. Warming trays display piping hot food; the pastries and waffles are flaky and melt-in-your-mouth wonderful, and the seafood tastes just-off-the-boat fresh.
There are two drawbacks to eating at Oystercatchers: the clichéd but all-to-real guilt you feel about starving people in the world not having the capacity to imagine what you're consuming; and the regret that your stomach can't fit it all.
It's fairly expensive but worth every penny, considering what you'd spend elsewhere for food that isn't half as good. The buffet costs $28.50 for adults (plus tax and gratuity) and $15 for children ages 4 to 11.
For those who indulge in the liquid side of gluttony, there are no all-you-can-drink buffets per se. But The Orpheum (1902 E. Eighth Ave., Ybor City, 813-248-9500) on Saturday night has come to be known informally as "sink or swim" night, or its official name "Retro Red Square Recall" (winner of Best Dance Night in "Best of the Bay 2002"). The sink or swim name has to do with a $6 cover charge getting you all the well drinks and draught beers your feeble constitution can — or cannot — contain. A variety of people come out to the Saturday night shindig, mostly recent college graduates who look like the cast of a Volkswagen commercial.
The music is a fun combo of 1980s new wave, 1990s stuff like The Pixies, and today's indie rock faves. Patrons are usually too shy to dance until the gluttony has reached fever pitch at the final hour, and, at that time, clumsy body rubbing commences to Outkast and other funky numbers.
After frequenting places like Oystercatchers and The Orpheum's sink or swim night, should we repent? Hell no. Some wise fool said, "Everything in moderation, including moderation." Unfortunately the fool was too drunk to claim credit for his quotation, so he'll forever be known as "Unknown."
OTHER
RECOMMENDED BUFFETS
TODAI
2223 N. West Shore Blvd., International Plaza, Tampa (813-872-8725, www.todai.com)
— ASIAN
TAJ
2734-B Fowler Ave., Tampa (813-971-8483)
— INDIAN
THAI HUT
3635 Kennedy Blvd. W., Tampa (813-871-6612)
— SUPER-AFFORDABLE THAI
THE LAUGHING CAT
RESTAURANT
1820 N. 15th St., Ybor City
(813—241-2998)
— ITALIAN
SHEPHARD'S
WATERFRONT RESTAURANT
& TIKI BAR
601 S. Gulfview Blvd., Clearwater (727-441-6875)
— SUNDAY BRUNCH
AND DINNER BUFFETS
This article appears in May 14-20, 2003.