When I met my girlfriend, she had recently quit smoking. She knew from the very beginning that smoking is a deal breaker for me, but despite the encouragement from me and all her friends, she keeps having "lapses." I haven't dumped her over this because we live far apart at the moment. However, I feel very firmly that we can't take the next step — one of us moving to be with the other — until she kicks this habit for good. She has always insisted that she wants to, and she knows how much smoking bothers me. But at what point will I know if she has finally quit? My fear is that there will always be another "lapse" coming. She is so great in every other way that I don't want to blow her off prematurely, and I want her to quit for her own health, too. Am I being an unreasonable perfectionist?
-Do Not Use My Name
Beware the smoker who stops — or "quits" — just long enough to convince you that her smoking days are behind her and then, once you're living together or married or otherwise hopelessly entangled, suddenly experiences one final and everlasting "lapse." Be clear and up front, DNUMN: Smoking is a deal breaker if she moves across the country to live with you, it's a deal breaker if you marry her, it's a deal breaker now, it's a deal breaker forever.
I don't have a question. I have a story.
My parents had an unusual strategy for sex education. Instead of picking a day to have a birds-bees discussion, they first explained all the mechanics of the penis/vagina/uterus/baby when I was 6 months old. This was to give them practice. Then, as I got older, any question I asked that was moderately related to sex resulted in me getting the story again.
Fast-forward to sophomore year. While playing a drinking game, people were asked to retell the story of when they got The Talk. But I never got The Talk because I grew up with it. So on winter break, I demanded The Talk from my dad. He came up with a few quips — sex is easy, sleeping in the same bed is hard. But the next day my mother pulled me aside.
"So I understand that you and your father had a conversation yesterday," my delightfully WASP-y and cheerful mother said. "I want you to forget everything he said and remember this. Whatever you're doing, do it slower. Whatever you're doing, do it softer. And whatever you're doing, ask more questions."
She turned around and walked away as I picked up my jaw from my floor.
-J.
I don't want to contradict her, but for the record: Some folks like it fast and hard, and prefer barked orders to thoughtful questions. But it's a sweet story, thanks for sharing …
I'm a young gay man, not messed up, and I ignore people who think there's something wrong with being gay. Why don't more gay men do this? I can't go on a date without hearing the coming out story or dealing with EPDM, or "Effeminate Personality Defense Mechanisms." Where are the gay men living as they want to live rather than living in reaction to people who have a problem with their sexuality?
-Optimistic Gay Guy In Ohio
As first-date conversation topics go, OGGIO, it's hard to beat coming out stories. You get to swap a little info about your families, your first sexual experiences, your first boyfriends. Basically you get to learn how your date came to be the healthy, out homo sitting in front of you, and he gets to learn the same about you. And the next time you're listening to someone's coming out story, OGGIO, remember this: Truly messed up fags can't tell you their coming out stories because they don't have coming out stories to tell. They're still closeted.
As for effeminacy, OGGIO, it's not always an act; it's not something insecure gay men do to piss off homophobes, straight or gay. Even if you're not attracted to the honest swishes, which is fine, don't assume they're not "living as they want." And the next time you see someone with what you think is a bad case of EPDM, try to remember this: It takes more guts to be an out swish in our society than it takes to be a str8-acting, A&F-wearing, frat-boy clone.
To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Oct 29 – Nov 4, 2008.