Savage Love
I am a single, young, professional gal who likes to party until the break of dawn. This weekend, I went out with a group. One of the guys, who I liked as a friend but was not attracted to, was at first cordial. But he became aggressive on the dance floor. He kept grabbing me by the hips and pulling me closer. He seemed to think my proper response was to turn around and start humping his leg. Is there some unspoken understanding that I am unaware of that grinding on a guy's leg on the dance floor does not mean that a girl is interested in him? Is this just the way people dance now? If so, am I a prude for not wanting to rub my genitals on a guy I have no interest in? If not, then I need help with what to say if this happens again!
Grind It Someplace Else
One of two things was going on, GISE: For fear of seeming unfriendly, you sent signals that Dancer Boy innocently mistook for mild interest, and he attempted to get things started, as the kids used to say, on the dance floor; or, Dancer Boy knew you weren't interested but sensed that you, like many young women, were socialized to be polite and deferential to men and knowingly manipulated you into a situation that made you feel uncomfortable.
The next time someone touches you on the dance floor in a way that makes you uncomfortable, GISE, here's what you do: no smiles, no dancing away, no polite attempts to deflect his attention. Stop dancing, make eye contact, shake your head slowly back and forth, and clearly mouth the word "NO." Then go back to dancing in whatever manner and in whatever space and with whatever partner you choose. And if the same guy attempts to pull you onto his ass after you've given him the stop-stand-stare "NO," GISE, do all women everywhere a favor and kick him in the nuts.
Here's the deal. I've been married for under a year. I, wifey, have been bad — the "trifecta" of controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational — and it all got 100 times worse once we got engaged. I was bad; I made him miserable. I am now doing well in therapy, much improvement in recent months. The problem? No sex. Hubby doesn't want. Able, not willing. We have sex maybe twice a month and only at my insistence. He was not as affectionate when we first got married (I was super bad then), but now is much more so, very affectionate, no skimping on the hugs and kisses. He treats me very well and says he loves me — but he just avoids sex. The worst part is sometimes we'll be making out and I can feel his hard-on but he just won't act on it. He likes porn and women so I know he has the appetite — just not for me.
I know my trifecta turned him off, but I also know that he's warmed up as I've gotten better. And I'm going nuts waiting.
Sexless In Windsor
Give hubby some time to adjust to the new, improved wifey, SIW. By your own admission you were a raging bitch for the duration of your engagement and three-quarters of your married life thus far. While it's swell that you've gotten a handle on your controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational behavior — that's a "quadfecta," technically, not a "trifecta" — it's gonna take more than a few months of good behavior before hubby begins to see you as the woman he proposed to and not the fucking nutjob he married. I'd say you're gonna need to be sane for at least as long as you were batshitcrazy before you can expect things to return to normal.
I'm a 21-year-old, good-looking, sexually active, single woman. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have many guy friends who tell me that I'm great. Is it that men don't want to date me, or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into trouble?
Alone Again Unnaturally
You don't give me much to work with here, AAU. For instance, examples of the kind of bullshit you're incapable of putting up with might help. Because you know what? Some bullshit is intolerable, AAU, but there's no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other's bullshit — day in, day out, year after year — in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex). And no one is ever going to put up with your bullshit, kiddo, if you can't put up with theirs.
This article appears in Oct 15-21, 2008.