Emotionally conflicted superheroes! Sizzling super-babes! Slime-oozing mega-beasties! Brilliant agents of global espionage! Animated entities of all shapes and sizes! And nothing less than the end of the world as we know it!
Yep, sounds like summertime at the movies again.
The 2004 season is a bit lighter on those pesky sequels that so dominated last year's summer movies, but it's still the sequels that set the season's tone. Summer wouldn't be summer without its franchises, and some of this year's most highly anticipated offerings arrive with numbers tagged on to the titles, whether literally (Spider-Man 2, Shrek 2) or just implied (the latest Harry Potter). Probably the most alarming or ridiculous (take your pick) trend on the horizon is that some of these franchises have apparently gained the ability to cross-fertilize themselves. Freddy vs. Jason begot this summer's Alien vs. Predator, and lord knows where it'll go from there.
Likewise, remakes are still big business (The Stepford Wives, The Manchurian Candidate), as well as films that aren't technically remakes but might as well be. Movies such as Mindhunters, Raising Helen and The Day After Tomorrow sound like a million other movies, and add to a summer air already thick with the cloying scent of déja vu.
Don't fret, though. The good folks at Madstone, Tampa Theatre and Channelside will continue making sure that we receive our essential cinematic nutrients so that our brains and psyches don't completely shrivel up and wither away during these long summer months. We've included a few of those welcome aberrations in the following summer preview too, just to keep things interesting.
In the meantime, it's time to get busy doing nothing. Time to turn off the brain, tune out the world and ease into the season's latest batch of state-of-the-art guilty pleasures. Entertaining America is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. And nobody does it better than Hollywood.
May 7: VAN HELSING The summer season starts right here, with a big-budget monster mash that rehashes those old Universal free-for-alls like House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula. Frankie, Drac and Wolf Man are all aboard for this particular house party, along with all the latest CGI effects, and blockbuster vets Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale, looking spiffy in head-to-toe leather again. (Editor's note: Film not available for view by column deadline. See Outtakes for Lance's review of Van Helsing.)
May 14: TROY History retold by hunks. Reigning pretty boys Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt (as Achilles!) in the story of Helen of Troy, a tale full of love and war and the whole damned thing. Peter O'Toole and Julie Christie are here too, just in case you had any doubts that this really is an epic.
BREAKIN' ALL THE RULES Jamie Foxx, in the first of his several summer releases, plays a guy who gets even with his ex by writing a popular book advising men on how to dump their girlfriends. Mean-spirited hilarity no doubt ensues — and even if it doesn't, there's always Gabrielle Union to brighten up the scenery.
THE RETURN The first of the summer's filmic fish out of water, this brilliant and unsettling Russian import depicts the strained re-union of two young boys and a father who may not be who he claims to be. The winner of the coveted Golden Lion award at last year's Venice Film Festival, this puzzling and beautifully crafted film will open locally at Madstone Theaters.
May 21: SHREK 2 I'm counting the days until this one. Myers, Murphy and Diaz all return in this sequel to everyone's favorite subversive animated fairy tale. Factor in the newly acquired voices and personalities of John Cleese, Julie Andrews, Rupert Everett and Antonio Banderas (as Puss in Boots!), and what more do you need?
THE CLEARING Robert Redford is the main draw here, in rugged-yet-sensitive mode as a businessman kidnapped by disgruntled everyman Willem Dafoe.
May 28: RAISING HELEN Wasn't this already released a while back as Uptown Girls? Kate Hudson steps into the pumps worn by Brittany Murphy in that previous disaster, as a club-dwelling glamourpuss suddenly saddled with parental responsibilities and small children.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW Having built a career on destroying the world (by, among other things, aliens in Independence Day and giant lizards in Godzilla), Roland Emmerich is up to his old tricks again. This time, however, we've only got ourselves to blame, as global warming and an out-of-control greenhouse effect make life very difficult for courageous scientist Dennis Quaid and his dreamboat son Jake Gyllenhaal, not to mention a couple billion bit players.
SOUL PLANE This African-American Airplane asks us to believe that comedy can indeed result from sticking Tom Arnold and an otherwise all-Black cast on a plane piloted by Snoop Dogg. That's a leap of faith to be reckoned with.
June 4: HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN Yet another of the summer's big guns rolls into town. The tone of this latest Potter adventure looks a bit darker, with young Harry's hormones starting to kick in, and teen angst beginning to figure into the movie's equation as much as magic. Alfonso Cuaron (Great Expectations and, amazingly enough, Y Tu Mama Tambien) takes over the directorial duties, with bad boy deluxe Gary Oldman turning up as the new nemesis.
MINDHUNTERS A premise so tired and stupid the movie's been parodied on Mad TV before it even opened. Val Kilmer, LL Cool J and Christian Slater are among a group of trapped FBI agents, one of whom is a serial killer. The movie was supposed to come out last January, probably yet another sign of something rotten afoot.
June 11: THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK A sequel of sorts to Pitch Black, in which Vin Diesel's character finds himself caught up in an intergalactic war. Director David Twohy (The Arrival) has a feel for sci-fi, and the cast includes Judi Dench and Thandie Newton, so this might be interesting.
GARFIELD Bill Murray slumming for a paycheck as the voice of an annoying, overfed cartoon cat. The plus side is that Alan Cumming is in the movie. Then again, so is Jennifer Love Hewitt.
THE STEPFORD WIVES Robot housewives in suburban hell. The pro-feminist/anti-conformist agenda is timelier than ever, but I wonder if anyone will care. If nothing else, this remake is brilliantly cast, from blandly perfect Nicole Kidman to eccentric supporting types Christopher Walken, Jon Lovitz and Bette Midler.
June 16: AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS Yet another remake, although this one sounds more like a vehicle for its star, aging martial artist Jackie Chan. The perks here are class-act English actors Steve Coogan and Jim Broadbent, as well as a slew of exotic foreign locales. The down side is that the movie was directed by Frank Coraci, a sadist who has already ushered two Adam Sandler movies into the world.
June 18: THE TERMINAL Spielberg and Hanks together again, in an eccentric-sounding project about a man stuck in an airport when his country ceases to exist, plunging him into bureaucratic limbo. Sounds a bit like something Rod Serling might have cooked up as a Twilight Zone episode many decades ago. Rod would have got the job done in less than a half-hour, though.
THE DARKNESS Spanish horror is hot right now, as are South-of-the-border horror and fantasy filmmakers — just ask Guillermo del Toro or The Others' Alejandro Amenabar. We might soon be adding another name to that list: Jaume Balaguero, whose Spanish-language creepfest The Nameless caught Hollywood's eye, paving the way for this English-language haunted house flick starring Anna Paquin and Lena Olin.
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY A little mom 'n' pop gym is about to be taken over by a huge, soulless franchise, so Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughan must play a game of dodgeball to decide the gym's fate. Don't ask.
THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD Canadian madman Guy Maddin makes some of the funniest, strangest and best movies you'll ever see, and his much-acclaimed new film should be just the thing to beat the summer doldrums. Isabella Rossellini stars as a Winnipeg beer baroness who sponsors a contest to determine what country produces — you guessed it — the saddest music in the world.
June 25: TWO BROTHERS Director Jean-Jacques Annaud, who seems much more comfortable working with animals (The Bear) than with real-live human actors (Seven Years in Tibet), is back on familiar turf with this wildlife adventure. The movie was shot in Thailand and Cambodia, so expect some great location footage in this tale of two tigers separated as cubs only to be reunited as adult rivals.
WHITE CHICKS There's nothing funnier than a guy in a dress, right? Unless, of course, it's a black guy in a dress, trying to pass as a white girl. OK, now picture a couple of Wayans Brothers as FBI agents pretending to be a pair of Hilton Sisters clones. Is it funny yet?
June 30: SPIDER-MAN 2 The CGI effects of Spidey in action still look a little dorky, but this one seems like a safe bet from just about every other angle. Peter Parker's in college now, Alfred Molina's on board as Doctor Octopus, and director Sam Raimi seems like he's in his creative prime. How can it miss?
July 7: KING ARTHUR Troy Lite? Bang-bang-shoot-'em-up producer Jerry Bruckheimer tries his hand at the historical epic with this re-imagined tale of Guinevere, Lancelot, Merlin, Galahad and all the rest of the Arthurian gang. A solid cast (Clive Owen, Keira Knightley and Stellan Skarsgaard) should be reason enough to check it out.
July 9: ANCHORMAN Will funnyman Will Ferrell show us that Elf was no fluke, and be able to maintain the momentum generated by that film? Ferrell stars as a local TV news doofus drawn into the war of the sexes when pretty but uncommonly capable Christina Applegate enters the picture.
SLEEPOVER and A CINDERELLA STORY Dueling high school chick flicks, the former with Spy Kids' Alexa Varga, the latter with Hilary (Lizzie McGuire) Duff. Preteen girls will obviously be lining up for both, numerous times. The rest of us can flip a coin.
July 16: I, ROBOT There's a lot riding on this big screen adaptation of one of the most famous and best-loved science fiction stories of all time, and most signs point to the possibility that the film will actually deliver. Will Smith provides the star power and director Alex Proyas (Dark City) contributes the creative juices in a futuristic detective story that dabbles in science, ethics and philosophy.
July 23: CATWOMAN Even if you can get past Halle Berry's tacky-beyond-words costume, are you ready for a superhero brought back to life by an Egyptian cat to fight an evil cosmetics firm? Thought not.
THE BOURNE SUPREMACY Talented newcomer Paul Greengrass (Bloody Sunday) is at the directorial helm of this sequel to The Bourne Identity, which sounds like good news all around. Matt Damon returns in an espionage thriller about a plot to start a war between the U.S. and China.
July 30: THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE One of the niftiest little thrillers of yore gets a face lift courtesy of director Jonathan Demme and stars Denzel Washington and Meryl Streep. The story's the same — ex-soldiers return to society as brainwashed, ticking time bombs — but the enemy's been changed from leering Koreans to shadowy Arab-Muslim operatives in the First Gulf War.
THE VILLAGE Strange creatures lurk in the woods surrounding a little Pennsylvania 'burg in M. Knight Shyamalan's latest movie. The premise sounds more Signs than Sixth Sense, but with Shyamalan you never know.
SHALL WE DANCE Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez star in a remake of a sweet Japanese romance about a boring businessman who spices up his life with dance lessons and falls for his instructor.
Aug. 6: COLLATERAL If Colin Farrell and Joel Schumacher can make standing by a telephone for 90 minutes exciting (Phone Booth), why not a movie about two guys riding around in a car all night? Of course, it helps when one of the guys is Tom Cruise as a contract killer making his rounds, and the other is Jamie Foxx as the cabbie desperately trying to figure out how to stop him. Michael Mann directs.
THUNDERBIRDS Poetic justice for all those moviegoers who have long maintained that Bill Paxton is a wooden actor. Paxton may not be a puppet, but he plays one (sort of) in this live action, big screen version of the popular "supermarionation" TV show for kids (and adults given to ingesting various mind-altering substances). Vaguely sci-fi-ish, clean-cut adventure hi-jinks aimed primarily at young boys.
Aug. 11: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR Don't expect it to end with a kiss. The director is Paul W.S. Anderson, specialist in video-game flicks like Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil, which is probably more than you need to know.
THE PRINCESS DIARIES 2 Director Garry Marshall's second offering of the summer is a sequel to last year's romantic fantasy about an ordinary American girl who discovers she's foreign royalty. The fantasy continues in this installment when Anne Hathaway tries to avoid an arranged marriage in order to find true love.
YU-GI-OH! You've seen the trading cards and eaten the cereal; now see the movie. Spiky-haired anime teens and goofy monsters for the I-just-graduated-from-Pokemon crowd.
Aug. 20: THE EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING Thirteen years after the sublime awfulness of Exorcist III, here's a prequel to the famous franchise, focusing on the early years of Max von Sydow's demon-battling priest. The story behind this one is bound to be more interesting than the film itself. Erratic visionary director Paul Schrader (Auto Focus, American Gigolo) was fired from this project and his completed film was summarily shelved by the studio, which then brought in hired gun Renny Harlin to produce a presumably more commercial version. The rumor is that both Harlin's and Schrader's versions will be available on DVD later in the year, but, in the meantime, we'll take what we can get.
JET LI'S THE HERO A magnificent martial arts epic from director Zhang Yimou (Raise the Red Lantern) that makes Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon look like, well, Yu-Gi-Oh. We're not quite sure why the idiots at Miramax saw fit to affix star Jet Li's name to the original title (The Hero), but hopefully they haven't made any other changes to a movie that's been knocking them dead in Asia and Europe for the past year.
Aug. 27: VENOM Summer ends not with a bang, but with a whimper. A scientific expedition in the jungles of Borneo encounters super-size snakes in this sequel to 1997's best forgotten Anaconda. Is it fall yet?
Contact Film Critic Lance Goldenberg at 813-248-8888, ext. 157, or lance.goldenberg@weeklyplanet.com.
This article appears in May 6-12, 2004.