“Where's my phone?” asks Filipino porn star Annie Cruz as she leans in to kiss Sarah Vandella.
“You probably left it in your pants.”
Cruz looks down at her black and white striped panties.
“Where are my pants?” Cruz asks as a devious grin spreads across her pierced lips. “This happens every time.”
This is not the set up to a cheesy porno. It is just the first night of the delightfully depraved NightMoves awards weekend. For 19 years Paul and Tracy Allen have unleashed busloads of porn stars on Tampa for one weekend in October. As opposed to porn conventions where stars sit for hours at autograph booths smiling for photos and waving over the next waiting fan, the entertainers who make the trip to Tampa seem to come with one thing on their minds: to party like, well, porn stars.
If Priya Rai’s looks don't kill you, her pole dancing might. If I ever make a parody porn about stripping ninjas, Rai will play the lead. The way she twirls around the pole with her legs flared and her hard heels slamming the stage, it's only a matter of time before she knocks out a fan who leans too far over the railing to get a better view of Rai's acrobatics. She twists and flips into yoga poses that convince me Rai has spent some time as a spy, snapping necks with her thighs. As if this display was not impressive enough, she lathers up her massive breasts and lights them on fire.
“I'm doing DPs now,” Katie Summers says, smiling. “I’m a little naughtier than the last time you saw me.”
She lifts her shirt to show me a new tattoo and the bruise she received from a DP scene for Kink.com in which she was tied to a bedpost. I'm impressed, though more by the fact that she actually remembers me.
Katie also announces her plans to go a bit more extreme in terms of her bra size. As a reference point for how big she wants to be, Summers fondles Angel Vain’s 34DDs. In addition to requiring an all new wardrobe, the boost will change the kind of work Summers gets. I suspect she will be cast less as an innocent teen and more as a hardcore porno chick who drowns men in her cleavage. Girls grow up so quickly in the porno world.
I understand the compulsion to go bigger. If there were a medical procedure that could increase the size of a man's measuring stick without leaving it completely useless, women would need an operating permit and a hardhat to handle the heavy machinery I would have installed in my trousers.
While female porn stars always look larger in person than they do on screen, the guys usually seem smaller, possibly because they are the only performers not wearing heels that could double as stepladders. I was surprised that I was about the same size as Tommy Gunn and Marcus London, at least in terms of height. They seem way too relaxed and unassuming for men who have slept with more porn stars than I've masturbated to. How am I supposed to hate these guys if they aren't complete dicks like I would be if our roles were switched?
“I used to be married to a guy with your first name,” Angel Vain says. “I divorced him pretty quickly though.”
Like me, Vain grew up in Austin, Texas, we both graduated from high school the same year, and we both played in the same soccer tournaments at Zilker Park. For the past two years she has made a living by getting naked in front of a camera and having sex. For the past two years I have tried to make a living by hiding behind a computer and writing about sex I theoretically could be having. I wonder which one of our parents are prouder?
At first I am baffled by the inclusion of the celebrity impersonator, Captain Jack Cannon, in the caravan of stars. His appearance at FetishCon a few months ago seemed a bit more fitting, as FetishCon is all about wearing costumes you could be arrested for brandishing while driving through a school zone. And, in a city that is invaded by a parade of pirates each year, Jack Sparrow impersonators are not all that unusual.
“I think he is doing porn now,” Charlee Chase says when I ask about the captain.
This brings up a slew of other questions. Is pirate porn the next big thing? Does Cannon act as androgynous as Sparrow during his sex scenes? How often is he required to utter the line, “Release the Kracken!”
“I just made out with that hot guy because I thought he was gay,” Annie Cruz says before repeating the act with the closest porn star.
There is no way to describe Annie Cruz except as a sex tornado. When Cruz reels in Katie Summers, the pair engages in a fetishistic slap fest before wrestling for dominance with their tongues. I am more than a little afraid that as an innocent bystander who is often mistaken for being gay, that I too will be sucked in by Cruz, only for her to leave me in a daze wondering if I should call the police, take a home pregnancy test, or high-five someone.
I don't have a choice. I have to risk my sanity and the structural integrity of my relationship to hang out with people for whom a boob grab or a friendly penis pat is considered good etiquette. Save yourself from the blue-balls and heartache that are just some of the lesser side effects of partying with porn stars. Whatever happens, do not go to one of the many clubs the caravan of stars will be ransacking this weekend, and don't even think about attending The NightMoves Awards Show this Monday Night at Round Up. Unless of course, you like trouble.
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