A PROGRAMMING NOTE: I hosted a live taping of the Savage Lovecast in Seattle on Valentine’s Day, and it went great — thanks to all who came (especially to the five boys who left with butt plugs in their butts) — but I made the mistake of having a drink or five afterward, and I’m so fucking hungover right now that I shouldn’t be sitting upright, much less giving advice. But deadlines are deadlines. So here we go …
I’m a 31-year-old genderqueer in Brooklyn with a large family on Long Island. My only sister got engaged 48 hours ago, and she’s moving fast on planning the wedding. I have two questions.
Number one question: I texted my sister the only date I wasn’t available in the next two years, which is Columbus Day weekend 2013. I have my 10-year college reunion, which I’ve been organizing. My sister texted me back that they picked this Columbus Day weekend for the wedding even though they have no idea if the places they want will be booked up. It quickly came out that they didn’t check with anyone about potential conflicts. She wants me to be the maid of honor, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s really upset with me. Columbus Day weekend is of no significance to them (it’s not the anniversary of the date they met or anything), and I can’t reschedule the reunion.
Number two question: I was born female but do not identify that way. I’m genderqueer and do not look like a girl. I have not worn a dress in 10 years and feel like I’m in drag in one. In the past, my sister said she would consider putting me in a pantsuit-ish kind of thing at her wedding, which would be great, but I am worried that now I’m rocking the boat too much with this Columbus Day thing and I don’t know if I should just leave it alone. My girlfriend, who is very pretty and feminine, said if I had to wear a dress, she’d go in a suit and bow tie.
Dan, help! If for some reason my sister can’t get her weekend, it will be because they’re rushing and everything is booked, but I have already caused trouble! Is it worth it to fight for the pantsuit thing, or should I just leave it alone and do what she wants?
Thank You So Much
Number one answer: If your sister didn’t check with anyone — not members of her immediate family, not members of her bridal party — about potential conflicts, then your sister should’ve anticipated that some of the folks wouldn’t be able to attend. Folks who aren’t getting married have lives and commitments of their own, which means they can have conflicts, and your sister could’ve worked around those conflicts if she had cared to ask about them. But she didn’t care to ask, because she seems to be one of those brides-to-be who think an engagement ring on her finger puts her ass at the center of the universe. Here’s hoping your sister can’t get the venue she wants and has to reschedule. If that doesn’t happen, TYSM, tell your sister you’ll be with her in spirit and send a gift.
Number two answer: The fact that your sister has been engaged for 48 hours and is already furious with her maid-of-honor-elect is a bad sign. You’ll be doing yourself, both families, and your sister a service if you stand up to her now. A little pushback now will either prevent your sister from going Bridezilla or get you dropped from the wedding party. You literally can’t lose. So tell your sister now that you’re delighted to be her maid of honor, if scheduling allows, and that you look forward to shopping for a pantsuit that matches her dress and the dresses of her bridal party. If she tells you that you have to wear a dress to be her maid of honor, TYSM, then it’s clear that the dress is more important to your sister than the person wearing it, and you should tell her to find someone else to model it at her wedding.
My brother and his new wife had a three-way with a male hotel receptionist while on their honeymoon. I don’t have a problem with three-ways in theory, but I think it’s wrong to have one on your fucking honeymoon. I was their best man. What am I supposed to do now?
Disgusted Big Bro
You’re supposed to shut the fuck up and mind your own business — now and always.
This article appears in Feb 21-27, 2013.
