You know, in today's fast-paced world of meetings, deadlines and all the other bits of day-to-day drudgery, who has the time or energy for a good old-fashioned stalk? Countless hours in front of someone's home, learning their schedule, deducing which dryer they use so you can steal undergarments (or just sniff them) … man, it's pretty draining. And since you don't want to do anything half-assed, your performance in other areas may begin to slip. My backhand never really returned, after all. So in an effort to help those of you who would like to stalk but don't have the time, I give you CoincidenceDesign.com. These freaks of nature have a simple three-phase process in which they stalk, gather information and then surreptitiously arrange multiple encounters with the object of your desires. Yes, you will actually be placed in the presence of the one who sets your loins ablaze (that last sentence is apparently too close a mixture of Stephen King's Firestarter and porn, which leads to some rather nasty mental images, so please disregard and go have a Ho-Ho). Armed with all of your object-of-desire's likes, dislikes, quirks, habits and full family medical history, not to mention a training course so you don't accidentally let slip that you've hired somebody to stalk (no, it's not cute or romantic), you pretty much can't miss. Of course, patience equals quality, so this will all take several months to accomplish. And it can all be yours for roughly 100 grand. Hmmm … come to think of it, if you can afford that and still feel the need to stalk somebody, give me a call so I can dole out an onslaught of bitch-slaps, you pathetic loser. I'll even do that for free.
—Patrick J. Graney, who really does use those binoculars for bird watching. Honest.
This article appears in Jan 24-30, 2002.
