http://www.ou.edu/oupd/selfarr2.htm
According to this site, "If you witness a crime, it is your civic duty to report the crime to the police. When a crime is committed, you have the right and responsibility to make a "Citizen's Arrest." Thus, if YOU commit a crime, it would be extremely helpful (and provide a savings of tax dollars) for you to perform a Citizen's Self-Arrest." Hmm … technically, the logic is sound. But since this is part of the University of Oklahoma Police Department, this leads to the conclusion that either OU students are idiots, the moral standards are WAY higher in Oklahoma, or I don't understand satire. Regardless, this is a great guilt assuager. Maybe you feel bad about that candy bar you pilfered when you were 3, or for that drifter you chopped up and buried in a shallow grave by the train yards. Either way, turning yourself in seems like the right thing to do. Follow the easy-to-read instructions, and since you're doing this online and pretty much making the insanity plea a lock, have fun. Put NASCAR under "race" and be sure to mention the voices in your pants in the confession. Best thing is you're not allowed to leave the house until the police arrive; this means you don't have to go to work. Since you can't go anywhere, be sure to check out the extra links on fire safety, first aid and a whole bunch of other useful stuff. Don't be a burden on society; pick up some helpful knowledge during your incarceration. Oh, and for anybody who is new to this thing called the Internet, read the Internet Safety section. Especially the part about chain letters. I'd hate to have to fill out a Self-Arrest form for coming to your house and beating your lame ass.
—Patrick J. Graney
This article appears in Feb 20-26, 2002.
