HonkyTimeBruce Hoby: American Honky
http://www.honkytime.faithweb.com/index.html
Sometimes you need to look for guidance, see the world from a new viewpoint, find a hero whose example you can follow to lead a good, clean, righteous life. But who in this new world of technology, deceit and barely veiled alien abductions involving lemurs (oh, you know what I'm talking about — and so do they) can you look to for good old, down home values? The answer is Bruce Hoby. Oh, not a famous man, but a man of true worth. Why, right on the front page is a testimonial to the old-fashioned values that this man holds dear: "I look you up and down. I do the Dew all day. I oogle every woman and I talk to her tits. I listen to conservative radio talk shows. I bowl in three leagues. I snap into a Slim Jim. I own shitty rental property. My jokes are dirty. I lay shingles and easy women. Dale Earnhardt? I cried. I shit you not. Someday I'll win the lottery. I pee on the rim. I like porn. I never say please and I'm never sorry." Sniff … brings a tear to my eye to see traditional American values still live on. Honkytime will help turn you into the bread and butter of our culture: the white trash redneck, or as they preferred to be called, an American Honky. Get lessons in the proper attire ("My black Marlboro T-shirt is for special occasions"), vehicle accessories ("I believe an emblem of Calvin peeing on something is cute in a macho sort of way") and the all-important conduct and values. This is why you're going, to learn the morality that served our past generations so well. Use these nuggets of truth and alter your lifestyle appropriately. Now grow a mullet and get learnin'.
—Patrick J. Graney, but you can call me Cletus
This article appears in Jul 19-25, 2001.
