Rules of Rockhttp://www.buddyhead.com/other/rulesofrock
So you wanna be a rock star, huh? We've all been there. Hell, anybody with half a brain and the ability to count to four has at least considered starting a band. And your band will be better, if only for one simple reason: you've read the Buddyhead Rules of Rock. Who cares if you can't play three consecutive notes together? You know Rule No.3: "Don't wear your band's own shirts." See, this helps you not look like a tool; Just about everyone knows that it's not musical talent that gets you signed these days. Channel surf the radio you'll hear a veritable cornucopia of monkeys wailing away on instruments in the close approximation of the death warble of a menstruating warthog. You can't sound worse, so develop a look that will sell like Britney Spears' first porno. Let Buddyhead put you on that road. Take Rule No. 1: "Don't misspell any words in your band's name." Yes, I'm paraphrasing it (Buddyhead is harsher) but really, we're past the third grade and glam is dead. Buy a dictionary if you must, but spell the name right. Also, while certain points are valid, they seem mostly aimed at the metal/punker crowd. Which would explain why rules like No. 31, "Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken," and No. 4, "Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains," are included. Why did Buddyhead do this? Because they're helpers. Help them help you. And, in the long run, spare us.
—Patrick J. Graney
This article appears in Nov 22-28, 2001.