Cadaver Inc.http://www.cadaverinc.com
My latest dilemma: Where do you go when you need to get rid of your latest victim? I mean, in Pulp Fiction, they called Wolf, a "Cleaner." But lacking any good mob connections, I instead opted for the "Fast & Affordable Murder Scene Clean Up and Corpse Removal" of Cadaverinc.com. At first I was a little leery of using the Internet to properly (and discreetly) whisk away all my incriminating evidence, but the glowing testimonials of other murderers swayed my thinking. Also, the Case Files showed Cadaver Inc. to be true professionals able to handle even big dismembering jobs. And even though the corporate offices appear to be in Norway, we all know it's just a cover for hiding their true location. After all, if they were in Norway, why would they have a toll free number listed only in Eastern Standard Time? That's the time zone you're in now, in case you were wondering. But I still called and was greeted by a very pleasant voice message asking for a phone number only. Being paranoid and slightly unhinged, I left my brother's (he's a cop) number. Enjoy that call, Sparklenuts. I utilized the online form to place an order. Final tally for my indiscretion: Scene cleanup and corpse disposal ($900); Type of murder: Shooting ($600); Condition of body: stinky (no charge); Evidence: blood ($150), entrails ($150), fingerprints ($150), DNA (hair/semen) ($150) — all for a grand total of $2,100. Not a bad deal for the amount of blood I have dripping about the office, but I stopped short of giving them a credit card number. After all, when dealing in murder, one tends to prefer cash-only transactions. But maybe if I had a corporate card, I could write it off at tax time.
—Patrick J. Graney
This article appears in Aug 30 – Sep 5, 2001.