The Top Ten Signs You’re Black and You’ve Heard of Kwanzaa, But Know Nothing about Kwanzaa:
1. You think it’s Black Hanukkah.
2. The word “Swahili” sounds like it should be a dish at Ulele. Something lavender-infused.
3. You know Kwanzaa has something to do with Africa; but, on the spot, you can’t name a country in Africa except Dubai because, one time, Kim Kardashian was there on E! And Dubai’s definitely in Africa. Definitely.
4. You saw Mean Girls, so you’re positive that “Africa’s far.”
5. You’re pretty sure kente cloth is named after the guy from Reading Rainbow who, apparently, was in that Roots movie.
6. Someone told you it’s a harvest celebration, but you didn’t see anyone harvest anything in Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio. That film was dope.
7. Another someone told you they celebrate Kwanzaa in Canada. You know good and well there are no black people in Canada.
8. You decide you’re down. You throw a Kwanzaa party. You wear your leopard-print shirt. You check out a Kwanzaa menu at foodnetwork.com, decide to make Hoppin’ John but use quinoa instead of black-eyed peas.
9. You learn enough Swahili to recite Kwanzaa’s seven principles. While reciting them, you get stuck on #5 — Nia — and start talking about how cute Nia Long was in Friday. You go with it because Friday’s a black movie, so it’s all the same.
10. You read that Kwanzaa celebrations often involve a chalice passed among guests. You can’t find your Pimp Cup from Halloween. You’re pretty pissed off that you lost your Pimp Cup. That shit was pretty fucking cool.
This article appears in Dec 25-31, 2014.