Outwardly, the state fair is lame, but spiritually it's awesome. You just have to be in the mood to wade through a crowd of thousands and risk getting your feet stepped on by large toddlers distracted by balloons, or beer-drunk boobs distracted by boobs. For 12 days you get to pet livestock, eat corndogs and candied apples (hey, they're on sticks — why wash your hands?), and make yourself nauseated on rides that combine sci-fi design with cartoonish paintjobs and strip club neon. Add to that a couple of friendly guys from some regional car dealerships acting like Vanna White presenting their 2003 SUVs; high school marching bands making a mockery of Sousa; and a man with false teeth coaxing you to drop a few bucks for a shot at winning a rainbow-colored stuffed dolphin by tossing an oblong basketball through an undersize hoop. Oh yeah, and the Stars of the Grand Ole Opry are going to play.More Than You Can Do in a DayZephyrhills Natural Spring Water Performing Arts Dome — Local dance studios, choral groups and beauty pageant hopefuls showcase their talent.
Southern Pro Bull Riding — Feb. 12 and 13, bull riders show their skill for risking life and enduring injury.
Wynn's Petting Zoo — Grope some goats.
NASA's Benefits of Space Exhibit — Feb. 6-9, NASA shows what domestic aspects of our lives have been improved thanks to the trillions the country's spent on space research.
Bacardi Cafe — Take a break with a tropical Bacardi mixed drink and do some people watching.
Rosaire's Royal Racing Pigs — Rosaire's Royal Racing Pigs.
Cracker Country — Come to appreciate the rural heritage of Florida's settlers, known as Crackers. On site are the rustic two-story Carlton house and 13 other authentic buildings dating from 1870 to 1912. They're all restored and furnished with antiques of the period.
Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission Exhibit — Experts from the commission impart how they manage fish and wildlife resources for the long-term benefit of all species, Floridians and visitors.
Royal Hanneford Circus — Call PETA on your cell phone and offer play-by-play of this traditional circus show, complete with acrobats, clowns, trapeze artists and elephants.
Welde Bear Show — Just put PETA on speed dial. The New York Yankees, of all entities, sponsor this act, which features trained bears performing stunts like balancing on balls.
Bob Thomas Equestrian Center — Numerous shows and sport competitions take place here throughout the fair. In addition to stalls and stables for more than 800 animals, the prestigious center also features exercise grounds, warm-up rings, two show rings and a Grand Prix ring. Stop by to see the horseys.
Mark Preston's Comedy Safari Show — This guy is like that Australian who likes to try to catch snakes bare handed, except he works mainly with trained birds and doesn't look quite so good in his campy safari attire.
Florida Living Center — Smell some prize-winning Azaleas, etc., among the garden-grown creations of some 4,500 Floridians.
Salute to Agriculture — Presented by Dairy Farmers Inc., this tent includes a "Mooternity Ward," where many visitors will be lucky enough to see a calf born. You can also bottle-feed a baby Gurnsey, grind some corn and cuddle a chick.
Headline EntertainmentGeorge Jones — 7 p.m. Feb. 6. Sold Out.
Rockin' Roadhouse/Honky Tonk Tailgate Party — 7 p.m. Feb. 7.
Latin Festival — 7:30 p.m. Feb. 9.
Jimmy Hart's All Star Wrestling — 7 p.m. Feb. 10.
Boots Randolph — 1 and 4 p.m. Feb. 11.
Patti Page — Noon and 4 p.m. Feb. 12.
Stars of the Grand Ole Opry — 2 and 7 p.m. Feb. 13.
Ashanti — 7:30 p.m. Feb. 14.
Fair HoursGates open at 9 a.m. daily. Midway opens at 11 a.m. Mon.-Thurs., and 10 a.m. Fri.-Sun. Exhibits open from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. daily.
AdmissionThere are discounts to be had by either bringing your family, bringing a group of 15 or more, being a senior Feb. 11-13, or being Hispanic on Feb. 9. But for basic admission it's going to run $6 for adults and $4 for ages 6-11 (advance) or $8 for adults and $5 for ages 6-11 (at the gate). Kids 5 and younger enter free because, as we all know, they eat their weight in cotton candy and the fair makes its money back handily.
Pepsi Armband DaysOn Feb. 7, 9, 14, 16 and 17, you can enjoy the midway rides to your heart's content (or, rather, to your intestines' fortitude) by purchasing an armband. These armbands are sold in advance for $16, $20 at the gate.
How to Get to the FairgroundsYou're psyched now aren't you? You're ready to eat yourself some elephant ears and buy a big nasty belt buckle.
If you're coming from Tampa, St. Petersburg, Clearwater or Ocala, take I-4 east and get off on whichever appears less congested of Exits 5, 6 or 7A. From Exit 5 (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard) head east 2 miles and the entrance is on your left. From Exit 6 (Orient Road) head south and the entrance is immediately on your left. From 7A (U.S. 301) head south and the entrance is a quarter-mile ahead on your right.
From Sarasota, take I-75 North to Exit 260B (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard) head west 2 miles and the entrance is on your right.
For more info, such as what you're not allowed to bring into the fair, visit www.floridastatefair.com or call 800-345-FAIR.
This article appears in Feb 5-11, 2003.