Hey guys, guess what? We masturbate too.

It seems that lately anytime I am with a group of friends and the topic of masturbation and methodologies is broached, voices become hushed, giggles escape with each breath, and the clitoris of every nearby woman seems to perk up and listen.

Why is it that for CENTURIES men have openly discussed, "choking the chicken", "spanking the monkey", or "jerkin' the gerkin" (for the brits), while women are meant to blush and run anytime such a devilish act is mentioned.

The fact that I have more than one friend (and let's face it, girls that hang out with me are more vulgar and liberated than most) admit that they don't do it at all or feel ashamed when they do, upsets me more than being sent a dozen red roses. (yes, I find that VERY upsetting.)

For one, most single women (well the non-skank variety) have less sex on average than their male counterparts. We (female race minus myself) are more content to wait for a relationship before exploring sexual intimacy. When we do have one night stands we are supposed to feel remorse and self hatred for our drunken escapades. That leaves us with few options in between.

This should, in conclusion, mean that we are masturbating at a much higher rate than we elude to. I know that just as any man uses it to fall asleep, so do we. Just as any man uses it to have imaginary indiscretions with his sexy co-worker, so do we. Just as any guy uses it to take the edge off a particularly hard day, so do we. So why the hell aren't we talking about it more?

We should not have to purchase neck massagers at Sharper Image for fear that walking into a porn store makes us an instant whore. We should waltz right into that XXXtacy Super Center and declare, "I enjoy having sex with myself, please lead me to the vibrators!!!"

So the next time you are enjoying a nice cocktail with the ladies, speak up, share. If guys didn't talk about it so much, they would never be aware of which lotion is best and leaves the least residue. Let's trade secrets.

This article appears in Dec 2-8, 2000.