I have a black urinal. No, it's not an art piece. It came with the house and, honestly, when we first looked at the place, it was one of the least offensive components in the master suite which had — and take note, Loafers, I'm being kind here — all the ingredients to make a 1984 Thai whorehouse, except the hookers. We're talking a lot of black lacquer and paisley. We enlisted the help of friends, family and Bill Riley Painting to fix the bedroom, but the bathroom… well, it's a lot of bathroom to renovate (seriously, there was space for a urinal) but, after three years, its time has come. Of course, this means we binge watch home renovation shows.
Which means I hate every person who has appeared on a home renovation show. Ever.
If you don't watch, let me 'splain how they work: The couple can't have their dream home, so a production crew pretends to help them get something almost as good. Usually, one of the couple (the wife) wants to spend way over budget or simply must have something totally impractical ("I want a duck pond in the bedroom, Phoenix!"). The crew then completes quality work in a ridiculously short time frame for a wildly unrealistic budget (seriously, HGTV, you want us to believe the Chicago two bedroom piece of shit that cost almost a million dollars can get a new kitchen, three walls knocked down, a back-to-the-studs bathroom reno for $80,000, including the trendy furniture?) without having to ever consult codes or get a permit. I didn't buy Amway and I'm not buying that either.
In honor of all of us who can't stop watching these "unreality" shows, I've created the first-ever CL-sanctioned Home Reno Show Bingo card. Share and enjoy, y'all. And as for your weekend? Party like you're a black urinal facing end times, because you never know… you just might be.
Friday
FMoPA Members Show Opening reception
Solstice Kick-Off Party at Green Bench
Say Sayonora to Renny's Oki Doki's "Okinawan Feel Good Food" at its retirement party
Saturday
Saturday means markets. So many damn markets. In honor of all the vintage shopping happening on those home reno shows, go forth and find yourself a Mid-Century Modern cigar humidor you can use to store your extra dog outfits.
Brocante (We say this every month. It's easy to forget. We're here to remind you. How else will you get your repurposed nautical decor and lamps made from steam engines?)
The St. Pete Indie Market Indoor Marketplace at the Morean
Picker Place (in Ybor, in case Brocante wasn't enough shopping)
Flying Tiger's used book sale
Bekky Beukes Welcome to the Circus at Blue Goose
Sunday
Beach your brunch at Sweet Sage on North Redington Beach
Now Circa Then at Silver Meteor
And just like the black urinal (did I mention the brass fixtures), your time has come. Head to bed, turn on Netflix, and watch another Property Brothers.
This article appears in Aug 4-11, 2016.