Welcome to Bill's Sports Binge, hump-day edition. Like a box of chocolates, too much will make you throw up. You're halfway to the weekend, folks. Too early for a beer? Too late?
Our Tampa Bay Rays decided to go ahead and play like the best team in baseball for a change Tuesday night as they treated the Toronto Blue Jays to a delicious donut on the scoreboard and a 9 run bitch-slap to boot. Texas-sized hoss Jeff Niemann set a club record with his 3rd career complete game shutout and Carlos Pena brought out his Wonderboy bat again to treat the home crowd to not one, but two homers including a grand salami, bringing his average up to an impressive .183. Wait, what?
More fun with numbers: Jeff Niemann is 6 foot 9. Lebron is 6'8". Suck on that, Cleveland. He's still in Cleveland, right?
Jim Leavitt just won't Leave-it
Okay I kind of stole that from a reader comment (kudos paintyourwagon). Speaking of bitch-slap, fired USF football coach and growing local embarrassment Jim Leavitt was back in court Wednesday morning in an ongoing pathetic and futile attempt to get more money. I'm sorry, to clear his name. Pardon the faux pas. While criminals wander the streets awaiting a court date, Leavitt's lawyer demanded witness statements and other materials gathered in USF's four-week investigation leading to his subsequent shit-canning to be made public. Like Ross from the Ask-Gary ads, I'm no lawyer. But am I to surmise that Leavitt's attorney wants us to believe these secret testimonies paint a syrupy-sweet candyland image of a misunderstood teddybear? Jim, take some advice from a guy who drinks with a lot of lawyers. Crazy can still get you a job. Crazy and sue-happy tend to make AD's a little gun-shy. Take a yoga class, buy some scented candles, get laid, stop smacking and choking young men, and don't go away mad. Just go away.
Quicker hits: Plant's Weiner to coach in All-American Bowl (I dare you to say his name without giggling), Chris Hovan a Ram (out of the frying pan…), Golden Tate and Kumar go to Top Pot Doughnuts (You got pinkeye too?), and most ESPN themed restaurants to be shut down. Could novelty radio stations be far behind? One can only hope. (Who said that?)
This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2010.