Tonight is the Miss Florida pageant finals, and it's taking place at the Mahaffey. Welcome to the Burg, lovely contestants.
Listen, hons. The talent categories have gotten stale. How many dances, stiff vocal performances, mimes and baton twirls must we endure? Please consider some new feats for your next pageant (hopefully Miss America!).
I enlisted some Facebook friends to help us come up with alternate talent categories.
Apart from winning a date with DJ Mega — with a Dating Game-style format (paisley painted backdrop, of course) — we came up with some rigorous ways for the beauties to show their mettle.
Krista Lipe: Alligator wrestling? Orange juggling? Tess Chibirka Standup Paddleboard AcroYoga competition; or kite surfing to to level of difficulty. Better yet: Diving among Sharks in Tampa Bay and the gulf, or swim in the shark tank of The Florida Aquarium?!
Shelby Ivey Russ: This is not a talent category but I would love to see a synchronized swimming mermaid show akin to the mermaids at Weeki Wachee? Or maybe best circus act as a category as a nod to Ringling Bros?
Rhonda Kay: But seriously —- doing shots of tequila, dancing on bars BUT making sure your face and other parts can't be identified when you are state attorney.
Illustrious Pacabel: I would want my Miss Florida to be the contender that can eat the most hot dogs in 15 minutes.
Shelby Ivey Russ: Or best financial plans for their future. I'm talking stock portfolios and 401ks. Ooooh or it could be like the TV show Shark Tank but they have to pitch humanitarian projects to help alleviate hunger, poverty and or increase education in the U.S.
Susan Riggs: Miss St Petersburg gets her hair done at my salon. Richard D'Amore is her stylist,
Alayne Justicia: Miss Florida should be able to hula hoop and converse about craft beers at the same time
Ray Lehmann: Any Miss Florida should be able to engage in irresponsible real estate speculation. Bonus points if the buyer of her flipped home is in foreclosure by the time the crown is awarded at Boardwalk Hall.
Alan Snel: Fastest slapshot.
Lori Karpay: I would like to see the Miss Florida contenders go to Tallahassee and corner Rick Scott while forcing him to answer the tough questions. Points go to those who get him to answer. Winner goes to the one who gets him to answer the question.
This article appears in Jun 18-24, 2015.