13 GOING ON 30 (PG-13) Tempting as it is to call this Big for girls, it's even more accurate to dub the movie Big minus brains. 13 Going on 30 is about an insecure 13-year-old girl who makes a wish in 1987 and wakes up in 2004 as leggy, 30-year-old Jennifer Garner, a successful but emotionally unfulfilled career woman. All the anticipated and all-but obligatory jokes are here ("Wow," says Garner's character, "I've got boobs!"), and the movie does little to disguise its myriad cliches or blatant attempts to manipulate our emotions. Garner is an enormously appealing screen presence, but virtually everything that surrounds her here is a chore to sit through. The director is Gary Winick, whose previous film was the ridiculously overrated but marginally more interesting Tadpole. Also stars Mark Ruffalo, Judy Greer and Andy Serkis. 
1/2
THE ALAMO (PG-13) The new version of Alamo doesn't seem overly interested in glorifying American legends or in debunking them. Instead, it merely plods along from scene to scene, ambivalent toward its characters, and barely glued together in a way that indicates nothing so much as being the product of too many cooks. There are too many characters vying for our attention, and most of them come off so badly or blandly that's it hard to much care about any of them. At first glance, the film even seems a little reactionary, as if the main reason it exists is to chip away at everything about the original movie it's supposedly remaking. Ultimately The Alamo just doesn't seem to have a handle on what sort of movie it wants to be, wavering between traditional period adventure, cynical, revisionist history and meandering, multi-character mini-series. The action scenes aren't very good either. Stars Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Patrick, Dennis Quaid, Emilio Echevarria and Patrick Wilson.
THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS (NR) As if further proof of the continuing importance of Gillo Pontecorvo's 1966 masterpiece were required, it's worth noting that this is the film screened for bigwigs at the Pentagon in the aftermath of the last Gulf War. Employing a documentary-like approach that was nothing less than revolutionary at the time and still looks fresh and convincing, The Battle of Algiers depicts Algerian "freedom fighters" (Terrorists? Militants?) struggling to liberate their Muslim nation from the occupying Western (French) forces. Anyone who misses the parallels to the present situation in Iraq would have to be blind, and the film's ability to draw attention to a multitude of political and moral ambiguities is simply remarkable. In addition to everything else, Pontecorvo's film succeeds beautifully as both full-fleshed drama and thriller. A must-see. Stars Yacef Saadi, Jean Martin and Brahiim Haqqiaq. Call Madstone Theaters for dates and times. 1/2
CONNIE AND CARLA (PG-13) Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) channels Some Like It Hot and comes up with the story of a pair of dinner theater performers (Vardalos and Toni Collette) on the lam from the mob and forced to disguise their true genders. The, uh, "twist" here is that the performers are women masquerading as men masquerading as women — which is to say, drag queens. Also stars David Duchovny. (Not Reviewed)
DAWN OF THE DEAD (R) One might ponder the reasons for remaking George Romero's nearly perfect horror classic, but, hey — the bottom line is that you can never have too many zombie movies. Actually, the word "zombie" is never even uttered in the 2004 version, and the creatures themselves more closely resemble the shrieking sprinters of 28 Days than the lumbering icons from Romero's original. Also missing in action are the original's famous images of the living dead strolling about the shopping mall where our heroes are trapped, or any other swipes at our happily zombified consumer culture. What we get instead is a competent but much more conventional thrill machine, filled with a steady stream of decent scares and even more flying hunks of bloody flesh than you'll see in Mel's Passion. It's an adequate fright flick but not much more, with a final 20 minutes that degenerates into just another extended and overly chaotic chase scene. Stars Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer and Ty Burrell.
DOGVILLE (R) Lars von Trier's audacious new film takes a distinctly Hobbesian view of life and then pounds it home in ways both nasty and brutish, although not terribly short (Dogville clocks in at very close to three hours). Von Trier's latest act of cinematic subversion tells of a beautiful fugitive (Nicole Kidman) who wanders into the sleepy, little Depression-era town of Dogville and goes from being the community's nurturing sister/mother figure to its scapegoat, whore and slave. The entire movie is performed on a bare-bones set, with the town of Dogville laid out like a two-dimensional grid as perfectly dispassionate as a Flaubert sentence and as inescapable as the characters' destinies. Likewise, there's an almost mathematical inevitability to the unfolding of the film's tragedy that calls to mind Emma Bovary, just as the eloquent but direct voice-over narration (beautifully delivered by John Hurt) recalls, again, the precisely calibrated language of Flaubert. Sadly, the final act of von Trier's film, while clearly meant as catharsis, simply feels overwrought, underthought and, worst of all, preachy — a final gesture so simplistic and condescending it almost ruins what is an otherwise astonishing movie. Also stars Paul Bettany, Stellan Skarsgard, Chloe Sevigny, Ben Gazzara, Philip Baker Hall, James Caan and Lauren Bacall. Opens May 7 at Madstone Theaters.
ELLA ENCHANTED (PG) A muddled Miramax fantasy that can't decide whether it's a sweet fairy tale for the kiddies or a grown-up social critique, Ella Enchanted attempts to be all things to all people, and fails pretty miserably across the board. The Cinderella-by-way-of-Shrek story takes place in a magical kingdom where Ella (Anne Hathaway of The Princess Diaries) is wooed by a Prince (Cary Elwes), and finds her life complicated by her scheming, evil stepsisters. As far as the grown-up stuff, there's some anything-but-subtle feminist subtext involving Hathaway's character being put under a magical spell that makes her "obedient," some jokes about Pottery Barn, and some half-hearted material about the "repression" of elves, ogres, giants and other species. The attempts at political and cultural relevance are shallow and, worse yet, the comedy is basically lame. Also stars Joanna Lumley, Vivica A. Fox and Eric Idle.
ENVY (PG-13) It was only a matter of time before somebody came up with the bright idea of teaming Ben Stiller and Jack Black, and that moment is here. Stiller plays a guy consumed with jealousy when his neighbor and former friend (Black) becomes wildly successful. Also stars Christopher Walken and Rachel Weisz. (Not Reviewed)
GODSEND (PG-13) Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos star as a couple who clone their dead son, only to find that little Version Two has brought along some dark secrets with him. Godsend is a clumsy pastiche of elements swiped from The Omen, The Sixth Sense and numerous other fright films, and the movie is so busy tossing out red herrings it never quite gets down to the business of telling a story. Even at the crucial three-quarter mark, when the film should be solving some of its own mysteries or driving them home, Godsend only succeeds in becoming more of a muddle. Also stars Robert De Niro.
GOODBYE, LENIN! (R) In the late '80s, an East German hausfrau and passionate Party supporter falls into a coma, sleeps right through the Fall of Communism, and then wakes up in the brand new, Capitalist wonderland of a newly reunited Germany. The rub is that, in order to spare her poor heart any undue shock, the woman's son and daughter manufacture an elaborate illusion in which it appears that the radically changed world in which mama now lives is exactly the same as it was. An unusually entertaining and enlightening blend of comedy, pathos and social observation, Wolfgang Becker's Goodbye, Lenin! fully lives up to the promise of its almost absurdly rich premise. Although its core story is small and intimate, the film details some of the 20th century's most pivotal moments, albeit in a manner that's as casual as it is crucial. Becker's movie manages to be politically smart and emotionally resonant (particularly regarding mother-love) without tugging on our heartstrings too violently. Stars Katrin Sass, Daniel Bruhl and Chupan Khamatova.
GREENDALE (NR) Neil Young, one of the world's most talented and brightest musicians, has created a movie of such staggering stupidity it makes Journey through the Past, his previous cinematic nadir, seem like an act of genius. Greendale is the big screen version of Young's recent song cycle about the residents of a small American town, and the movie basically amounts to a loosely connected series of extremely amateurish music videos. The music itself is fine, but Young visualizes the ideas implicit in his own songs in such an over-literal, unimaginative way that it all becomes trivial and borderline embarrassing. Young pounds home his messages of environmental and civil liberties erosions, as grainy, shaky, super-8 images show us various characters trying to act natural while lip-synching the singer's words. Just when you think it can't get any worse, Young throws in a red-shoed, fancy-pants Satan, who tempts the other characters and tries to look sinister while playing air guitar. Stars Eric Johnson, Ben Keith, Elizabeth Keith and Sarah White. Opens May 7 at Tampa Theater. 1/2
HELLBOY (PG-13) As Michael Mann can tell you from his experience directing The Keep, nothing quite beats the combination of Nazis and the supernatural. Hellboy does Mann one better, throwing lots of slimy, Lovecraftian monsters and undying super-assassins into the mix. Based on the Dark Horse action-fantasy comic about crime-fighting demons, Hellboy may remind some of X-Men or Men in Black and others of Ghostbusters with very sharp teeth. Director Guillermo Del Toro (Blade II, Cronos, The Devil's Backbone) brings his own distinctive vision to the project, however, creating a world rich in atmosphere, humor, humanity and an imagination that occasionally borders on the nightmarish (although things also often veer in the other direction, toward unabashed silliness). The nominal star is Ron Perlman, at home again under a ton of bright red makeup that makes him look like a big surly monkey with horns. The real star, though, is Del Toro, who is increasingly beginning to look like one of contemporary cinema's few genuine poets of the fantastic. The movie's rated PG-13 but it's a hard PG-13, by the way, so parents of small kiddies be warned. Also stars Selma Blair, John Hurt, Jeffrey Tambor and Rupert Evans.
JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION (PG-13) This is an African-American National Lampoon's Vacation, which raises the question: Why would Cedric the Entertainer want to be Chevy Chase when he has the potential to be much funnier, without the premature burnout? The incidents on the road prove too stupid for words, and while Cedric has some good one-liners, you can hear most of them in the trailer. —Steve Warren
KILL BILL, VOLUME TWO (R) There's still a goodly amount of blood and guts to be found here, but if KB1 was all form and slick, shocking exteriors, then KB2 often appears to be the inside of the story, the so-called heart. KB2 is still basically a cartoon, albeit a more elaborately illustrated one, but it's also where the story behind the story of the first film starts opening itself up and, eventually, turning itself inside out. Tarantino's new movie sometimes almost seems to be on the verge of becoming a blood-spattered chick flick about the, uh, complicated relationship between Uma Thurman's retired assassin and her former employer and lover, Bill (David Carradine). In the end, KB2 is more interesting for how it defies expectations than for what it actually achieves, but it's nice to see that Tarantino hasn't completely turned his back on the idea of telling a genuine story peopled by real-live humans with real-live emotions. Also stars Michael Madsen and Darryl Hannah.
KITCHEN STORIES (NR) Norwegian director Brent Hamer's eccentric but ultimately endearing comedy is a classic example of less is more. The story here is a bit odd but rigorously minimal — a Swedish statistician comes to Norway to observe the domestic habits of local bachelors — and the movie's dry, deadpan humor often hangs on just a look, a gesture or an extra beat of anticipation. The film is slight but slyly ingratiating, with its droll sight gags and social observations eventually giving way to a fairly standard bonding story between a middle-age Swedish observer and the old Norwegian bachelor he's supposed to be dispassionately tracking. There's even a tiny undercurrent of the homoerotic here, although it's all about as stirring as a warm pair of feetie pajamas. Stars Joachim Calmeyer and Tomas Norstrom.
THE LADYKILLERS (PG-13) The latest oddball odyssey from those wacky Coen Brothers remakes the beloved British comedy about a gang of crooks and con men using the home of an elderly widow as a base from which to pull off a heist. The movie's edges have been dutifully smoothed out and its characters, while colorful and eccentric, are never memorably odd in the best Coen tradition. Despite the occasional signature touch — a cat with a human finger in its mouth, a running gag involving Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a man giving mouth-to-mouth to a bulldog — the movie feels like another exploration of the mainstream vein recently opened up, to similarly mixed results, in Intolerable Cruelty. Most frustrating of all is the film's finale, a reduction of the original's elaborate last act to what feels like a rushed, 10-minute afterthought. Stars Tom Hanks, Irma P. Hall, Marlon Wayans and J.K. Simmons.
LAWS OF ATTRACTION (PG-13) Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore play dueling divorce lawyers dealing with a massive mutual attraction that should make things more interesting, but doesn't, in this latter day riff on Adam's Rib. The mush-headed script is as dull as they come, leaving us with a movie that isn't really much more than a showcase for some watchable chemistry between the stars. Moore is a bit out of her element here, but gamely manages a few passable comedic moves, while the ever-charming Brosnan displays to full advantage that perfectly sculpted hair that adorns both his scalp and pecs. That's about it. Also stars Frances Fisher and Nora Dunn.
MAN ON FIRE (R) Reigning action hero/sensitive guy Denzel Washington and precocious cutie-pie Dakota Fanning star in this Tony Scott-directed thriller about a disillusioned bodyguard who goes ballistic when the child he's sworn to protect is abducted. Also stars Radha Mitchell. (Not Reviewed)
MEAN GIRLS (PG-13) Although its plot is nothing special — a new kid in school butts heads with a clique of popular girls — Mean Girls might just be the funniest and most spot-on movie about high school since Welcome to the Dollhouse or Heathers. The movie has a ball picking apart the rigid and elaborately cruel codifications of high school life — how students are identified and categorized according to everything from what they wear to where they sit — and it does it all with considerable smarts. Like Dogville, Mean Girls also has last-act problems, but, on the whole, screenwriter Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live) has crafted a lean, mean entertainment that manages to be both playful and subversive while exhibiting plenty of mainstream appeal. Stars Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amy Poehler, Tim Meadows and Tina Fey. 1/2
NEW YORK MINUTE (PG) The Olsen twins clearly know how to work their target audience, as New York Minute is a film adolescent girls will be talking about for weeks. Prim and proper Jane Ryan (Ashley Olsen) must get to Columbia University to deliver a speech that just might be her ticket to a four-year scholarship to Oxford, but when her twin sister and polar opposite Roxy (Mary-Kate Olsen) opts to go along for the ride, trouble ensues. Set in the exhilarating streets of The Big Apple, this movie shows the teenage superstars in a new light (read: high heels and miniskirts). This film is much better than the duo's past kiddie flicks but unnecessary cheesy-ness and an unrealistic chain of events make the movie mediocre by adult standards. For those who remember the Full House days, look for a cameo by Bob Saget. Also stars Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Riley Smith and Jared Padalecki. —Whitney Meers
THE PRINCE & ME (PG) A pampered Danish prince (Luke Mably) falls for a no-nonsense pre-med student (Julia Stiles) in this rom-com that derives equally from The Prince and the Pauper and Cinderella. Stiles shows more charm than usual, and her discomfort in the Danish court makes up a bit for the sluggish, prince-out-of-water scenes in America. The film almost challenges the storybook princess fantasy fetishized in recent teen films, but chickens out at the last minute. —Curt Holman
THE PUNISHER (R) There are traces of human warmth and kindness here, but The Punisher is mostly a no-frills revenge flick that embraces its B-movie nihilism with icy relish. Thomas Jane stars as a vigilante sworn to make life miserable for the man responsible for killing his family (John Travolta). As revenge flicks go, The Punisher isn't nearly as extreme or even as original as some, but it's lean and mean and just smart enough to occasionally poke fun at its own brutal formula. Stray moments of humor leaven the violence and negativity, and the script manages to keep things interesting enough by treading the fine line between encouraging sympathy for Castle as a tragic hero/victim and portraying him as a killing machine beyond good and evil. The cast is surprisingly convincing too, and the movie's look is appropriately dark, gritty and even a little tawdry, pushing deep into Death Wish territory, which is exactly as it should be. Also stars Laura Harring, Will Patton and Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. 1/2
RHINOCEROS EYES (R) A cult film that seems to be trying just a little too hard to be a cult film, Rhinoceros Eyes sometimes seems to be little more than a series of vaguely surreal, vaguely whimsical sequences in search of a story. Michael Pitt stars as a quirky man-child named Chep, who lives in a cluttered warehouse filled with movie props and occasionally ventures out into the night in search of more. As is so often the case in movies like this one, our hero's tenuous grasp on reality seems to be slipping away, and most of Rhinoceros Eyes is simply an account of Chep's increasingly fuzzy limbo state. There are some nice animated sequences that recall the stop-motion stylings of Jan Svankmajer, but too much of the film feels overly familiar in its studied weirdness, with the obligatory influences ranging from David Lynch to David Cronenberg (who just happens to be the director's uncle). Also stars Paige Turco and Gale Harold. Opens May 7 at Madstone Theaters.
SACRED PLANET (G) Robert Redford narrates this Large Format IMAX journey to various exotic locations around the world. (Not Reviewed)
THE STORY OF RICKY (R) A super-adrenalated hybrid of splatter film, comic strip and prison drama, Story of Ricky is one of the great guilty pleasures of the Golden Age of Hong Kong cinema. This 1991 exercise in bad taste is crammed to the gills with moments of jaw-dropping outrageousness — which no doubt accounts for its appearance at Madstone's Bad Art for Bad People party — and sensitive types are hereby given fair warning to stay far, far away. The movie, which details an incarcerated hero's ridiculously bloody encounters with a sadistic warden and his henchmen, is told in a snappy, self-aware and gleefully deranged style that gives new meaning to the term "over the top," while brilliantly emulating the Japanese manga (comic book) on which it was based. Exploding heads and mutilated body parts played for big laughs and, for those with strong stomachs and an appreciation for the perverse, raised to state-of-the-art status. Stars Fan Sui Wang, Yukari Oshima, Frankie Chin and Gloria Yip. Opens May 7 at Madstone Theaters.
TAKING LIVES (R) Nothing sets Taking Lives apart from countless other crime thrillers (except Academy Award-winner Angelina Jolie's bare breasts). Jolie plays the foxy, fearless Illeana Scott, a top FBI profiler hired to track down a serial, chameleon-like killer who steals the identities of his victims. The movie takes a twist when Jolie's character finds herself the victim of deception. Certain aspects of the story are confusing and irrelevant, which is sort of a hallmark of this genre, as is the predictable ending and the inhospitable local police team threatened by a talented, methodological agent helping to solve a case. As holes gape in the plot, the movie's appeal fades. Also stars Ethan Hawke and Keifer Sutherland. 1/2 —Whitney Meers/Cooper Cruz
VAN HELSING (PG-13) A stale, incoherent belch of computer-generated sound and fury whose only knack seems to be the ability to simultaneously induce both headaches and comas. Even hardcore horror fans aren't likely to find much worthwhile in this bombastic mess in which a pair of fashionably dressed monster slayers (Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale) spend a couple of hours running around like headless chickens, shooting bullets, arrows and stakes at anything that moves. The CGI effects are omnipresent and absolutely awful, with gigantic werewolves and Mr. Hyde's coming off as unintentional cartoons with all the personality of Casper the Friendly Ghost. The flesh and blood creatures don't fare much better, with Shuler Hensley making for an utterly bland Frankenstein monster, and Richard Roxburgh's ear-ringed and ponytailed Dracula coming off as a second-rate, Flamenco-dancing reject from the Gypsy Kings. The look of Van Helsing is darkly luxurious and faithful in its way to the old Universal horror films on which it's based, but director Stephen Sommers mistakes attractive set design for mood, and his movie is so frenetic it kills any chance for a poetic moment. The overkill factor extends to the pacing — Sommers simply fills the screen with one big, tedious fight scene after another — and all we can do is wonder what somebody like Guillermo del Toro might have done with this material. Also stars David Wenham and Kevin J. O'Connor. Opens May 7 at local theaters.
WEATHER UNDERGROUND (NR) Remember when terrorists were far more likely to be pampered white kids from New Jersey than Muslim fanatics from any number of Arab countries? Well, unless you're in the range of a half-century old or know your American history really well, you probably don't remember — but luckily, you have Sam Green and Bill Siegel's new documentary to remember for you. Weather Underground is the story of the infamous Weathermen, a group of '60s revolutionaries whose dedication to the violent overthrow of the U.S. government led to their bombings of dozens of public buildings (not excluding the Pentagon). Siegel and Green let the Weatherman tell their own story, assembling several former members who wax nostalgic about what it was like to be young, smart and high on sex, drugs and revolution. The talking heads present a fascinating portrait of what is essentially the flip side of peace 'n' love hippie-ism, but it's hard to shake the feeling that Weather Underground is letting its characters off the hook. The movie is an admirable beginning history lesson of the once-and-former Radical Left, but it doesn't go nearly deep enough in exploring the contradictions and ethical conundrums inherent in the movement. Even if the film doesn't exactly glamorize political terror, there are some problematic implications to be found here for anyone who cares to read between the lines.
ZERO DAY (NR) A movie that re-imagines the tragedy of Columbine in ways that feel as casual and artifice-free as Gus Van Sant's similarly themed Elephant was mannered and poetic. Ben Coccio's directorial debut takes the form of a video diary, a hand-held work-in-progress being manufactured by two likeable and seemingly ordinary kids who, as it happens, turn out to be making plans to kill as many people as possible at their local high school. As in Elephant, there are no answers to be found here, but Zero Day might be an even more chilling and problematic document of teen violence for the all-too-human face it attaches to the phenomenon. Stars Andre Keuck, Calvin Robertson and Gerhard Keuck. Opens May 7 at Madstone Theaters. 1/2
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in May 6-12, 2004.