Journalism blows. That's why I limit my "reporting" to Q-and-As, requiring the interview subjects to do all the work. Turns out I'm not the first person to outsource writing. In his new book, Mindsploitation: Asinine Assignments for the online Homework Cheating Industry, Vernon Chatman hires barely literate essay writers from "such backwater hick towns as Bangalore, Pakistan, and New Jersey" to complete perverse assignments like, "How would the Holy Bible be different if it starred the giant spider from Kafka's The Metamorphosis?"
I suspect the idea for this book comes from Chatman's successful writing career, which paved a path for other comedians to become famous by using Chatman's material on programs like The Chris Rock Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, South Park, Louie, and That's My Bush — which according to Wikipedia isn't the best failed game show you've never heard of. He also does the voice for South Park's Towelie, who fans will remember as "the worst character ever."
Because I don't have the tools to do this interview properly — I don't have the cash to hire the same incompetent essay writers who wrote half of Mindsploitation — I decided to copy Chatman's style and enlist his talents to complete various writing assignments I've been delaying. My apologies to those of you who started reading this interview expecting an analysis of the comedic process, or who want to know if using a urinal next to the creepily tall Conan O'Brien is as awkward as it seems.
This article appears in Apr 4-10, 2013.