For all the controversy and high-profile protests — by Catholics, albinos, theologians and probably one or two groups formed solely to take this movie to task — the worst sin of The Da Vinci Code turns out to be that it's just not worth all the fuss. The real story here is that there's not much of a story. In a nutshell, the movie is boring.

Let's bring you up to speed, just in case you've somehow been able to avoid total media saturation for the past year or so. The Da Vinci Code is Ron Howard's hugely hyped big screen adaptation of Dan Brown's bestseller about an ancient conspiracy to keep the world from discovering that Jesus was married and had a child whose descendants walk among us today. The movie is ostensibly a thriller, with various characters engaged in a life-or-death struggle to either expose or sustain the cover-up. But there's not much here that's particularly thrilling.

Howard's drab and relentlessly talky adaptation moves in fits and starts, bombarding us with exposition when it should be developing characters or manufacturing a bit of suspense. The film never really achieves any significant forward momentum because it's constantly stopping in its tracks to explain itself (often in conjunction with some very clumsy flashbacks). An uncharacteristically icy performance by Tom Hanks and minimal chemistry between Hanks and co-star Audrey Tautou don't help things any either.

There's just not much to sink your teeth into here, and even a few grisly murders, a self-flagellating monk/assassin, and an engaging performance by Ian McKellen (who turns up at the mid-point of this long, two-and-a-half hour affair) can't turn things around. Some of the movie's ideas are certainly worth pondering, but the film spews out its information in a stream of indigestible chunks, bombarding us with riddles and puzzles that are solved before they've even had a chance to sink in.

In its rush to take care of business, The Da Vinci Code winds up robbing the audience of the opportunity to relish the process of discovery — a fatal mistake, for sure, but about the only surprise the movie has to offer.

The Da Vinci Code (PG-13) stars Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen and Jean Reno. Now playing at local theaters. 2 stars

This article appears in May 24-30, 2006.