Let's finally recognize Tuesday for its never-ending efforts at providing a post-Monday soul-colonic. Huzzah, Tuesday! We appreciate you.
A St. Petersburg woman stepped forward to claim a $13 million prize in the Florida Lottery's March 16th drawing. The woman opted to receive her winnings in the form of a one-time lump sum of over $8.5 million, because that makes it simpler to become one of those people known primarily for pissing away an extraordinary amount of lottery money.
An investigation into St. Pete's sad, gross pelican die-off earlier this year concluded that the birds were likely sickened by botulism that emerged in a lake near Riviera Bay as a result of sustained warm water temperatures and an oversaturation of nutrients. Which sounds like a freak natural occurrence, a perfect storm of unpredictable elements interacting spontaneously, but it really means "us." What killed the pelicans? Us. We did. One of the side effects of maintaining lush lawns and green golf courses through a warm, dry Tampa Bay winter is a pile of dead pelicans. Now, knowing that, we have a choice moving forward regarding what we want — we can check the box for "less fertilizer and more climate change mitigation," or we can check the box for "another pile of dead pelicans sometime soon." Sigh. We always check the dead pelicans box.
And finally, do you enjoy the expense and frustration of golf, but sometimes feel like you could be ostentatiously spending even more money on an even more pointless form of the sport? Well, your lucky day is coming, my friend, because for three days in June, some company is gonna let you pay to drive golf balls from high in the stands of Raymond James Stadium at "greens" created on the field. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience that you'll cherish right up until somebody offers you the opportunity to pay more to hit golf balls off something taller.
This article appears in Mar 30 – Apr 6, 2017.